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June
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July
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August
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November
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December
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May 2006
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Running from the police is almost always a crime but It's
a little know fact that, in most major U.S. cities, running toward a police officer and waving a gun around is completely legal. You should
do it today. A lot of times they think it's very funny, and they'll
appreciate you keeping them on their toes. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
should be through the worst of it. You're actually lucky - and smart,
too. You may get further than you thought. Keep digging. You may not
be where you want to just yet, but this sure beats 'taking it' in
the showers. Bitch. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You may get
to be the arbitrator this time. If you find your sweetheart and
a friend are in a tug-of-war, offer to referee. If you find your
sweetheart and a friend in bed together, bludgeon them both to death
with a tire iron. Crimes of passion usually don't warrant the
death penalty, and you can really use the exercise.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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I
don't think that whole 'neighbor's dog telling you to kill' story
is going to fly. It's been used before. Try to think of something
more original. How about the neighbor's cat? |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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This
would be a good day for you if there wasn't so much whining going
on. Children really do demand a lot of attention. "Help. I'm bleeding
out of my ears." "Help. I can't feel my legs." Does it ever end? Tell them to go outside and play and take some time for yourself to relax.
They'll be fine. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Go
over the numbers one more time. Figure out how much you'll need to
finance your next project. List all the things you'd like to buy.
You don't have to know where you'll get the money; just get prepared.
Opportunity might knock. And stop picking your nose so much. Opportunity doesn't knock for nose pickers and besides, it's just gross. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Use constructive criticism, but don't take the blame
for something that's not your fault. As a general rule of thumb, try
not to take the blame for anything that IS your fault either. Deny
deny deny. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Why
send your blood pressure through the roof? Instead, enjoy the scenery
while you're stuck wherever you are. Looking back, you two really
should have agreed on a safety word. Now you're just going to have
to bite down on that ball muzzle and try and enjoy it. Make a list
of what works and what doesn't. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Everybody's
trying to get your attention. Unfortunately, there's only so much
of it to go around. You'd like to save a little for yourself, too!
They're trying to get your attention to warn you of an approaching
bus. Get the hell out of the way! Quit thinking about yourself and
pay attention for a change before you get killed, you idiot. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You'll
wake up tomorrow in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney. You've
only got one left, so next time, try not to look like such a tourist.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Don't
get embroiled in a neighbor's problems. You'll be more help if you
stay objective, not to mention stay alive. Just close the window or
turn up the TV. You may hear screams for help later, but do you really
know what the whole story is? She might actually deserve it. Just
mind your own business. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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There's
not quite enough money to go around. Either cut costs or increase
your revenue. Cutting costs looks like the easiest solution now, even
though it... You know what, on second thought; why not just mug a
few old ladies and increase your revenue. You know you can't stop
spending money on booze. A Cancer who's good with numbers could help. |
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