|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
June
|
|
July
|
August
|
|
September
|
October
|
|
November
|
December
|
|
|
|
March
2006
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
|
11
|
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
|
18
|
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
-
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
Your
dreams can come true. Sometimes it takes planning and hard
work. Sometimes it takes money and power. Sometimes it takes brains
and beauty. You don't' have any of these things so just forget
about it and get back to your cubicle before you get laid off like
the rest of them, fatass. |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
You're
a godless savage. You may as well live in a cave and scavenge
for food. You're no better than any other filthy animal. You'd probably
eat your young, if you could find anyone that was dumb enough to breed
with you that is. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
Using
the same brand of deodorant for more than a few months can cause your
body to build up a natural resistance to its effectiveness, you smelly
pig. Go take a shower or at least go out in the parking lot and roll
around in the dirt to lessen your stench. You're killing all the plants
around here. |
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
You've got big
plans this weekend and it looks like this could be the night you've
been waiting for! Too bad you also have Herpes. Maybe by next weekend
it will be in remission. |
|
|
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
Someone
else has all sorts of ideas about how you should spend your time.
It may be a bit uncomfortable to squeeze into the old routine. You've
grown. It's time to put your foot down, or at least get a bigger routine,
you fat slob. |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
If
there's one good thing that people say about you, it's that you're
a proud and majestic creature. No, wait. That's what they say about
Zebras. They say that Libras love cheap, penny-pinching jerks. I guess that's good too, right? |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
Don't you love
those Coke commercials? "There's nothing like the real thing,
baby. There's nothing like the reeeall thing.." Keep humming
that tune to yourself while you sit home alone tonight, again. Maybe
sign it out loud as you watch Who's the Boss re-runs. Look up Loser in the dictionary,
and there you are. |
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
If
you don't already have a good partner, get one. It should be obvious
which person would be best for you. You're obviously going to have
to pay for him or her, and since you have no cash, it's probably going
to be the one with the least amount of teeth. Ahh, spring. Love is
in the air! |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
You
should have your routine pretty well memorized by now. That makes
it pretty easy, but don't doze off. Something you hadn't expected
could throw a wrench into the machinery. Later today, you'll lose
an eye. |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
You
walk down stairs. Alone or in pairs and make a slinkety sound. A spring,
a spring, a marvelous thing, everyone knows it's too bad you've got
bad breath. Seriously. Buy some mints. |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
There's
certainly a lot going on today. You might be tempted to jump right
into the middle of the confusion. You'll be more helpful if you stand
off to one side and make practical comments like, "why don't
we throw some water on her?" Or, "stop drop and roll!! STOP
DROP AND ROLL!!" That will make you look much wiser, too |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19 |
Hey,
why don't you stop stuffing your fat face for 10 minutes and go out
and buy yourself a full-length mirror so you can witness how disgusting
you look first hand? You're a pig. The hotter it gets, the fatter
you look. |
|
|
|
| |
