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November
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December
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Friday
April 16, 2004
By:
Dwaine
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April 2004
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Romance could be very much on your mind today, dear Aries. This could be due to a wonderful encounter with a love partner within the past few days. You'll want to schedule another meeting, but you might hold back because you don't want to seem pushy. This time leave your handgun, and ski mask at home. Always remember Aries, according to US laws, It's not rape, if it's already dead. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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A very beautiful and romantic dream could inspire exalted artistic activities today, dear Taurus. You might want to paint, draw, write, compose music, or perhaps sew or create a new recipe. More than likely, you will drink mass quantities of fortified wine, then take digital pictures of 12 year old girls you picked up from the local video arcade, you social predator you... |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Take care. Dipping too far into savings would be a move you'd regret. Speaking of regret, maybe you should not masturbate as much as you do, in front of open windows, during daylight hours, wearing "that" outfit. you fucking sicko. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Today you could experience a strong desire to clear your psyche of traumas from the past that limit you, dear Cancer. As a result, you will probably end up in a puddle of your own urine, in a fetal position, sucking your thumb. There is a reason why your mind represses certain memories, fag. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Love, passion, romance, and marriage - your mind could be focusing on these matters throughout the day, dear Leo, even if there's no special person in your life right now. Why not try a pick up line on a perfect stranger? Use old faithful, "Get in the car Bitch I got a gun". Also remember, duct tape not only restrains, it muffles screams quit effectively. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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The approach of a very special visitor might cause you to work like a roto-rooter giving your house a thorough cleaning, dear Virgo. Afterwards, you could look for new and interesting ways to dress it up a little, like buying some new plants, throw pillows, or other decorative touches. Maybe just a little elbow grease to get the shit, blood and cum stains out of the carpet is a start, you filthy pig. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Romantic novels and movies (porno) could be more appealing than usual to you today, dear Libra, as you're in an especially intense frame of mind. If you're presently involved, your relationship could be approaching the point where it has to move ahead or die - emphasis on the word DIE! Why not kill that mouthy bitch? That's what I would do. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Your financial situation could be given a strong boost upwards today, dear Scorpio. This might be due to a contract you've just executed, perhaps involving some fuckstick you didn't like anyway. Remember, the first bullet puts them down, then pump two more into them for good measure. Then go to taco bell for burritos, rejoicing in a job well done. Also I thought I would remind you about a breath mint, because either you just farted, or you need to brush your teeth. Possibly both.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Today you might decide to take up the study of healing, dear Sagittarius. You could read up on alternative methods such as diet, herbs, aromatherapy, massage, or acupuncture, or you might decide to learn hands-on methods such as Reiki. Who are we bullshitting here Sagittarius? You can't even wipe your own ass; more or less give some faggot a chiropractic adjustment. Now get back to work making big Macs you piece of human garbage. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Today you might decide to sign up for a course in advanced studies of some kind, dear Capricorn. This might include a formal course in world religions, or perhaps simply joining a racially motivated hate group. Just think, you can be the first Jewish follower of Farrakhan. You are the stupidest fucking person I have ever seen. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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A group of friends might invite you to attend a festival or workshop involving either the creative arts or metaphysical studies, or perhaps both, dear Aquarius. You might resist at first, but once you let the heroin take effect, and loosen your anus a little bit, things will move much quicker. I bet this is the last time you ever break the law, huh bunboy? |
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Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20 |
If you've been considering a career in healing, psychic or spiritual studies, or the creative arts, dear Pisces, today the opportunity to make that dream a reality could finally come your way. Why not just steal a lab coat, and pretend to be a doctor at the local hospital? Think of the hours of fun you could have prescribing the wrong medications to people! Go for the gold, and a respectable body count! |
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