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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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February
2006 |
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M |
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W |
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F |
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1 |
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4 |
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8 |
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11 |
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12 |
13 |
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22 |
23 |
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25 |
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26 |
27 |
28 |
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
Your
friends provide inspiration, but if you leave it all up to them, nothing
will ever get done. Planning is important, but don't let it drag on
too long. Light a fire under them! Seriously. Sneak up behind them
and slide a shallow tray of kerosene under their chair and light it,
or wait till they're asleep so you can really soak them good with
gasoline. Hit them in the head with a hammer first to make it even
easier. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
You
may feel as if you're carrying the weight of world on your shoulders,
but it's really not all that bad. You're just a sissy and
you complain too much. Just shut up and do it and quit you're whining. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
You're
so popular; it's hard to fit all your invitations into one day. Yeah,
right. More like it's hard for you to fit your swollen head into one
hat. One lousy person pays a little attention to you and you
think you're some kind of superstar. Get over it. You're the same
loser you've always been. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
Some
days, the best you can do is to think about how great things are going
be, further down the line. Problem is, things aren't ever
going to be great, no matter how far down the line you go.
Why don't you quit daydreaming and get back to work. Everyone thinks
you're planning to kill yourself. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
You're doing
pretty well on your own, but with the right partner, you're awesome.
Besides, your hands are kind of rough and you're starting to develop
a callous. Putting lipstick on the outside of your index finger and thumb is a poor substitute for a woman, you sicko. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
Somebody
else's problems could be taking up all your time. Somebody else's
financial situation could be getting sorted out, but what about your
own? Screw them. Look out for number one. They talk about you behind
your back anyway, sucker. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
You
don't mind when somebody wants to make the decisions. That frees you
up to point out whatever modifications are necessary to make things
balance perfectly. That's what they tell you anyway. You'd just screw
it up if they let you make any really important decisions. They'd
rather that you just wait in the car. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
There's just
not enough of you to go around. Obviously, since you're such a fat-ass,
we're speaking figuratively. Try to plan your day a little better,
fatso. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
You've
got a frisky attitude, and you're curious. You want to know how things
work, and you're not afraid to take a risk. I've heard stories about
people getting it caught in vacuum cleaners and swimming pool
filters but I think they've added safety features to make it safe.
Besides, you've really got nothing to lose, do you? |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
money you need for a household project is close at hand. It might
even be in your own pocket. If it's not in your pocket, maybe it's
in your partner's pocket. Maybe it's in some old lady's pocket,
standing at a secluded ATM. I bet if you ran up to her real fast,
and spoke really loudly, she'd be happy to give you some. Wear
a mask made from panty-hose so you don't frighten her. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
You're
naturally inquisitive. You like to figure out what would happen if
you did this or that. What do you think would happen if you drank
some Liquid Plummer, or stuck a hot fire poker in your eye? Your quest
could now lead you into some very interesting new areas. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
You
don't have much room to be creative. Not in a place like this. You
have to pretty much do what you're told, and do it quickly. Maybe
if you weren't such a weakling, you wouldn't get pushed around so
much. |
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