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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Monday
December 9, 2002
By Evil Sarah
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Decembere
2002
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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A
little of everything in the morning, and then a lot of everything
in the afternoon. That's right, we're talking about Malt Liquor again.
Try to finish at least a 40 before lunch today. Nothing helps growing
bones and teeth like nutrition rich Malt Liquor.
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Quit
acting like suck a fucking know-it-all today. You're pissing everyone
off and people are even planning your murder. You suck and you deserve
it, you annoying prick. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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There
will be tension today at school when classes seem to be getting too
advanced for you to handle. You might think this is because you've
slacked off but you're wrong. You're wrong about everything. Things
are hard for you because you're stupid. You'll never amount to anything
and you'll end up working at McDonald's for the rest of your life.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You're
going to get beat up this week. Twice. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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If
you have an after school job, today is the day to be assertive and
tell your co-workers what is on your mind. Tell them how you like
to look at them in the showers after gym class and them hide in one
of the bathroom stalls and masturbate. What we're trying to tell you
is that you need to get some different friends.
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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This
is one of those days that I hope you did your homework. Your teacher
may assume you did and ask you to lead a discussion about it. Your
only way out of this is going to be to fake a seizure. If your teacher
attempts to perform CPR, stick your tongue in his or her mouth. Trust
me, the last thing he or she will be concerned with after that is
if you've done your stupid homework.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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If
you have a pet, pretend that they are with you today; it will bring
you peace of mind and make people think you are interesting, which
will make the fake people stay away. Pretend that your pet starts
to attack you and claw at your face. Jab a pencil in your eye-socket
and gouge out one of your eyes to make it look real. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Today
presents many challenges. The first will come from someone you think
might be your soul mate. The second will come from hidden information
being made public. These two things are connected and there are photos
and videotape as evidence. You'll soon be the laughing stock of the
entire school. Douche bag.
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Money
is just what the doctor ordered, but a parental figure may think otherwise.
Today will remind you to get your own piggy bank and save for your
own financial freedom. Today will also remind you of what a loser
you are and how little your parents really care about you. You were
a mistake. They never even wanted children.
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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A
friend will help you through an emotional crisis. Pay attention to
a smart quiet kid in your class - this person will point you in the
direction of your next soul mate. This person is also carrying bombs
and several handguns in their book-bag. Tomorrow this person will
go on a shooting spree. Don't go to school tomorrow. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Someone
may be fooling you about romantic illusions. That someone could be
YOU. Quit kidding yourself. People your age will say and do anything
to get laid. Do you actually think he or she really means all of that
crap? Wake up idiot.
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Finally you
will find someone to share a secret with, someone you can trust,
or so you think. Your new "friend" is telling everyone about all
your dirty little secrets and even making things up. Who is it?
The only thing to do is to kill any new friends you have recently
met. That way, you're sure to get rid of that lying rat bastard.
Better act fast before they spread any more gossip.
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