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January
2001
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3
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5
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6
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7
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8
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10
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12
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13
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15
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18
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19
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20
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21
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23
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26
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27
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28
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Communication
is the key to your success today. Remember to talk clearly, and annunciate
every word you say. If you look them right in the eye and say, "Please.
Please don't kill me", maybe, just maybe, you can talk your way
out of it. But probably not. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
may not be able to do everything you can imagine just yet, but practice
makes perfect. You knew that, but you may have forgotten. Maybe you
just didn't think it would take this long. I mean, learning to operate
a wheelchair with your chin is going to take some time… err wait.
Sorry. This is next week's Whoreoscope. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
may not think you should target wealth in your New Year's resolutions,
and your right. Your target should be to quit playing with yourself
and picking your nose in public. Work on the little stuff before you
tackle anything big like moving out of your parent's house, loser. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Communication
is the key to your success today. Let friends know what you need.
Listening is also an important part of the communication process.
If no one will listen to you, see if they'll listen to your gauge
and your nine. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You've
had a goal in mind for years, but you may have buried it, thinking
it was too big. You're known for making the impossible happen, and
besides, even the largest human body shrinks to a manageable size
after it's been in a crawlspace for 6 or 7 months. Why not dig it
up and have a little post-holiday party with it, you sick twisted
freak. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
and your team are awesome. There seems to be an unseen force that
carries you to victory. If they had some sort of a professional league
for Felching, you and your little band of anal spelunkers would certainly
be number 1. Be careful. Those little rascals can inflict a nasty
bite. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Listen,
pay attention and don't talk. That's right; shut your goddamned mouth
for once in your life. For just five fucking minutes try not to say
anything at all, you mouthy, know it all, jackass. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Travel
with your sweetheart should go well, with one minor complication.
Well… minor in the sense that no other travelers will be killed.
Just you and your sweetheart. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You're
gaining by giving today. That's right, giving 2 for 20, and 4 for
30, Will make you the true hero of the ghetto. Until some rival thug
shoots you in the face. Your funeral will be closed casket. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Are
you taking a trip? Getting married and going on a honeymoon? Haaa!
Hell no! Your little journey starts in the courtroom, and ends in
the custody of the Dept. Of Corrections. Remember, don't drop the
soap! |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You've
put up with an uncomfortable situation long enough. It's time for
a change. Stand up and make your voice heard! Jump up on your desk
and scream it at the top of your lungs! For added effect, remember
to take off your pants first. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Keep your wallet
in your pocket. The person you want to impress doesn't need fancy
gifts. He or she is more interested in getting your full attention.
And nothing says attention than a good old-fashioned punch in the
throat. Show that special someone you care with a smack of love.
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