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September
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
There's
a lot of energy around you today, especially with work and school.
One of your co-workers or classmates is planning to go on a killing
spree very soon. Which one do you think it is? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
If you open
your mind and heart up to learning something new, it will only lead
to pain and suffering. It is best not to talk to anyone that's not
the same race or religion as you. They'll only try and fill your
head with propoganda. Most likely, they're only after your money.
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
Some of the
things that you thought you believed very strongly in about the
world could be changing a little right now. You're finding out that
maybe there really is no God, and if there is, he doesn't like you.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
Relationships
are the focus today. See what you can do with your sweetie if you've
been going through a rough spot. Suggest a threesome. Better yet,
start having sex with someone else, and suprise him/her with it.
If your wife/husband REALLY loves you, they'll do it. Contrary to
what most experts say, threesomes help strengthen most relationships.
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You'll
be busy working pretty darn hard today and, as usual, not getting
the recognition you deserve. People would respect you a LOT more if
you were naked and waving a gun around. See if you can get as many
things done as possible. Don't waste time! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
You're
feeling pretty darn creative today, Aquarius! It's a good time to
get out and about with friends. You're looking very cute and someone
has their eye on you. The problem is, it's not a mamber of the sex
that you'd prefer. Their advances will become more agressive as the
evening progresses and there's a good chance that things will end
with a rape. Buy some pepper-spray. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
There
could be something or someone that pulls you out of the house today
at the last minute. it will probably be the police, and they will
have a warrant. Understand that you're in a new and exciting time
of your life, so be patient and learn as much as you can right now!
Being someone's bitch in prison doesn't guarantee your safety. Fight
back. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
You've
got a chance to clear the air with a lot of things that have been
bothering you lately, but you'd rather stay home with your loser friends
and smoke dope. You're never going to amount to anything. If you don't
put a stop to Libra's evil plans, you'll be sorry. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
You
may want to try and save a little money for some things you'd like
to do in the future. If you think you need a raise or a new job, now
is the time. Employers respect it most when you take the offensive.
Don't ask for a raise, demand one! Raise your voice and make threatening
gestures at them. If they refuse, tell them you have a gun, and threaten
their family. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
Those
dizzy spells are getting annoying. Most likely it's not your diet,
or stress, but a serious brain condition that is completely out of
your control. Nothing can save you now. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
You
could see yourself in a new and unexpected way today. Maybe as a mamber
of the opposite sex. You'd better get started. Sex change operations
cost a lot of money, and there's usually a required psychological
evaluation. Use this time to organize your thoughts and put some plans
into action. If someone challenges you, spit on them and call them
bitch! |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
Spend time
with some close friends that you have been neglecting. One of them
is about to die. If someone upsets or annoys you today, try to understand
that it's because you're better than they are. Try and explain this
to them in a condescending tone of voice. |
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