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February
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
feel infused with super-human powers. Barriers become mere stepping
stones. Your persistence is paying off but, unfortunately, so is whatever
it was you took that's making you feel so good. Soon you'll be back
to your normal, depressing self. Oh, goody. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
imagination is more active than usual. Your fantasies may have been
even more bizarre than reality, too. It'll be over in a few days.
By then, you should have some great new stories to tell, like what
Thorazine feels like and how it is to smell colors and fight with
the police with the strength of ten men. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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A
strategy meeting with your team is required to produce the desired
results. If you don't have a team, get one. You might have to use
force. Get them one at a time from an elementary school playground
if you have to, but just get them quickly. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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If
you're struggling with rules and regulations, take heart. Your luck
regarding money is about to change too. We've got two words for you.
"Big Lay off". Wait, that's three words. Either way, see
you in the unemployment line. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
a busy little bee today so don't waste time with other people's problems.
If you pick up the phone and it's someone you don't want to talk to,
don't screw around with chitchat and small talk. Hang up on their
ass. Everybody already knows what a jackass you are. Who are you trying
to fool? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
are so money, and you don't even know it. No, wait. You'll soon have
no money and you won't even know it. That's right. Someone
is cleaning you out, right under your nose. Prepare for a fight. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Stick
to what you know best. Don't argue with your partner, mate or legal
adviser. Don't get into any major competitions, either, because like
everything you do, you'll inevitably fuck it up. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Not
everyone sweats and gets out-of-breath when they eat. Have you seen
yourself lately? Do you even own a mirror? You're disgusting. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The
barriers to true love are dissolving. Inhibitions are beginning to
lower and soon the sparks of true passion will fly. Not between you
and your partner, but between your partner and his or her 'other'
partner. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Commitments
you make now pertaining to home, family or real estate should last
for eternity. We're talking about your will. If you don't have one,
get one because you're going to need it very soon.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
curiosity knows no bounds. Maybe it should. Maybe you wouldn't make
a fool out of yourself over and over and over again if you just learned
how to control your self a little bit better. You're a fool and everyone
laughs at you behind your back. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Someone
you know is plotting against you. They'll begin by asking you for
a favor and end up taking advantage of you, again. Don't do anything
for anybody today, no matter what. |
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