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March
2001
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
You
may have a hunch that your skills need updating, and you're correct.
Ask an expert for advice, and you'll become better at what you're
doing. Ask them how they get their "clients" to "finish"
so quickly and you'll make a lot more money in a lot less time, you
filthy fucking whore. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
Your
financial situation could improve. It's not because you're working
overtime; more likely, it's because you'll find something valuable
hidden in your closets, like a gun or a bottle of ether. It's up to
you to turn these tools in to some cold, hard cash! |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
Reason
won't be enough to change your mind today, and with good reason. You'll
have suffered a sharp blow to the back of the head and you won't remember
much from the entire morning. Maybe you should think about moving.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
An
older person will try to tell you something, and you ought to listen.
Trouble is, it's body language they'll be using, not words. They'll
turn blue and grab at their throat while making all sorts of horrible,
wrenching faces. They'll knock plates and glasses off the table and
gasp for air. What could it mean? Don't interfere. Watch, and learn
from their wisdom. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
A
friend is having a tough time, but this is good for you. You can learn
from another's mistake and besides, you enjoy witnessing other people's
misfortunes. You're such an asshole. No wonder nobody likes you. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
Three
words define your weekend. Blunt. Force. Trauma. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
Reaching
out to touch someone might be more difficult than you thought, especially
when you're incarcerated. Isn't that how you got yourself in this
mess in the first place? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
Lazy,
fat and stupid is no way to go through life. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
As unbelievable
as it may seem, you ARE as dumb as you look. Don't ever let anyone
tell you differently. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
You
should be using brains instead of brawn to get the job done. That's
what you're telling yourself, too. But how? You're too stupid to figure
it out, aren't you? You bite the caps off of your beer bottles too,
don't you? Like everything else, you'll eventually learn it the hard
way. Retard. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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True
love awaits if you can just make time for it. You deserve to have
a little fun just like everyone else, but in your case, you sometimes
have to fight for it. Sometimes you have to drug it and kidnap it.
Sometimes, when you're done with it, you have to kill it and bury
it. See what we're saying? |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
You
may have dreams about the good you'd like to do for society, but today
your own private spaces need attention. Not 'spaces' like your home
or your neighborhood, but 'spaces' like the ones you keep missing
when you take a shower. Maybe if you weren't so fat, you could reach
them. Tie a rag to the end of a stick or something and get in there
and scrub scrub scrub! |
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