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May
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You
know what you want. That's the easy part. Keep that image firmly in
your mind. If you have a photo that represents your goal, take it
with you. Walk right up, hold out your money and say it. "Blow
job!". Just make sure it's not a cop this time. Idiot. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You'd
be going full speed ahead if not for a couple of doubts. That, and
a couple of bullets in your legs and back after a failed car-jacking
later tonight. Take the bus today, tough guy. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Meet
with friends during the day, but opt for a quiet night at home. Tonight,
your friends will all die in a fiery car wreck, and you want to be
as far away from them as possible. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23 |
The Sun is in
Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You have something
going for you on the inside that nobody on the outside knows about.
Not even you! That's right. It's Herpes! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. All
you want to do is play, but there's a big job to finish. You usually
think of yourself as thorough and dependable, but seriously. Who are
you trying to fool? You're a goof off. How did you even get this job
anyway? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Your
sparkling smile makes others forget their troubles. After all, how
could anyone feel bad about their own troubles after seeing that mouth
full of Indian-Corn you call teeth. Jesus fucking Christ. Have you
ever been to the dentist? |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22 |
The Sun is in
Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You could end
the day with a bonus. Something you have is more valuable than you
realize. Someone you know could be in trouble. Better warn then,
but first, brush your teeth. You have bad breath. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. There
are still a couple of things slowing you down. It's actually about
30 or 40 things. They're called 'Pounds' you fat-ass. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. A very
dear friend would like to talk with you. Too bad that they'll be killed
in a car accident before they get the chance. Oh well. You've got
other frie... oh wait. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. You
should be feeling pretty good inside. Somebody loves you very much.
Don't know whom? You will later, when you get raped. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Something
you want may not be as impossible as you think, but something you
don't want is almost a certainty. Wear a rubber next time, you imbecile. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19 |
The
Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Your
energy level is back up, and you have the support that you need. Thank
God for Paxil, huh? Too bad that you'll freak the fuck out if you
stop taking it. Your family is embarrassed by you. |
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