Fugly
Did you know?... All bonobo chimpanzees are bisexual!
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
April 9, 2001

By Martin Felcher
April 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
 You may be feeling stressed financially. This doesn't necessarily mean you don't have enough; you may just want more - for toys, or, more likely, for drugs or bail. Loser.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 Don't let somebody else's lack of foresight send you into a tizzy. You don't need to develop an ulcer over something that isn't your fault. Even if it is your fault, relax, and blame it on someone else. Let them worry about it for a change. You'll want your ulcer to come from drinking, not worrying.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 Get your friends to help you with a big project. Together, you'll have it done in no time at all. Remember to clip off its little paws with some garden shears so you don't wreck your colon again. Have fun! Freak.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 A dream may be out of reach, but love should be close at hand. You're getting the better part of the deal. Love close at hand is worth at least two or three dreams. Besides, with the former, you're more apt to get the latter. Or, come up with something nice that you can have right now, like your own hand and an expensive bottle of lotion. You're far too ugly to get a real date.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
 You're rarin' to go, but you're dragging an anchor. Distant horizons beckon, but there's work to be done at home. You think you're miserable now? Just imagine how you'll feel on Wednesday when you find out your partner is cheating on you. Sucker!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 If everybody would just leave you alone so that you could concentrate, you'd be fine. But, no. They have to bug you with their incessant questioning. Maybe you could get some peace and quiet if you locked yourself in the bathroom. It's worth a try. If it doesn't help, there are probably razors and chemicals in there that you could use to kill yourself.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 You'd much rather spend the day in fantasy than reality, but that's not a good idea. You'll profit more by doing what's needed, even if you don't feel like it. Unemployment only goes so far, and you're starting to smell. Take a shower, asshole.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Someone very close to you is completely fascinated with his or her own feces. Look at their hands. Their fingernails will give them away.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 You're a bold, out-front sort of person - most of the time. Right now, however, you'd be wise to hold back. Although you're anxious to proceed, odds are good you're overlooking something. Check your calculations one more time. You may enjoy the smell of your own farts, but come on, you're at work. Show a little class, you fat piece of crap.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
If you and your friends could hang out all day, doing whatever you felt like, you would be a happy camper. Yeah, camping. That would be perfect! But it's unlikely to happen - not today, anyway, because you and your friends are all a bunch of fucking pussies. Boohoo. I might get dirrrty. You are all a bunch of fucking fags!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
 An idea you want to try may not go over big with the boss - at least not yet - so don't even talk about it while it's still in the formative stage. When you think about it, asking a man if he minds that you masturbate to thoughts of his wife isn't a great idea. Especially not when he's your boss. Get back to work, psycho.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 True love awaits, but it's tantalizingly out of reach. Part of your problem could be that it's Monday, and you have to go to work. Another part could be that damn glass they have up to keep people separated from the cages. Try having sex with humans for a change, you sick weirdo.
 
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