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January
2001
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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S
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1
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3
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5
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6
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7
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8
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10
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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23
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24
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
lure of far distant isles has got you looking at travel videos and
saving up your pennies. The lure of prepubescent boys has got you
looking at small cages and the tensile strength of certain types of
rope. The lure of violence has got you looking at firearms, again.
Try listening to the lure of sanity and get yourself some help, you
sick weirdo. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Don't
convince yourself that a story you're making up is true. Instead,
ask friends for feedback. They'll give you the straight scoop and
tell you exactly what happened this weekend, although after they tell
you, you'll wish you had never asked. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You'll
have a hard time adjusting to a new situation today. Later, a part
of your body that you really shouldn't have shaved will begin to itch.
Don't scratch it. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You've
been working hard, but you never seem to get the recognition you deserve.
Maybe your employer would respond better to blackmail or threats of
physical violence. It really couldn't make the situation any worse,
could it? |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You'd
like to keep learning but you have to pay the rent. Don't worry about
it; just get back to work. You can earn money and do research
at the same time by signing up for one of those drug-test studies.
Those things are perfectly safe so feel comfortable signing whatever
waivers they ask you to. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Sometimes
talking about money can be frustrating, but it can also be inspiring
and romantic. There's nothing more romantic than a retirement account
in both your names, except maybe the payout from a fat life
insurance policy you took out on him/her. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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A
person you admire for good sense may have a wildly impractical streak.
It's your Dad. He likes to dress in women's clothes and if you're
not careful, today you'll witness it first hand. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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The
days to come will be full of mechanical challenges. Leg-braces, wheelchair
lifts, and a back-brace are going to require at least
another 45 minutes to get ready for work in the morning. Set your
alarm clock now. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
could get way off schedule by talking to your sweetheart on the phone.
It's not a good idea to get distracted if you should be doing something
else and it's an ever worse idea to talk to him/her on speakerphone,
especially if your husband/wife is in the room. Imbecile. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You're learning
about something you want to do, but you're not learning fast enough.
One problem is you want to know everything right away. Another is
that you're kind of dumb and it's pretty tough for you to learn
anything. Why don't you try something a little less complicated,
like digging a ditch and filling it back up again?
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Are
you working on a big assignment? Are you more interested in daydreaming
about something you and your sweetheart want to do together? Probably
so, you lazy piece of shit. Get back to work before you get yourself
fired. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Jot
down whatever bursts into your brain. This could be the idea of the
century. You could be rolling in dough in no time. At the very least,
doctors will have something to look at to try and figure out just
what drove a person to do what you did, you sick bastard. |
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