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January
2001
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
relationship is suffering but you just can't seem to figure out why.
Maybe it's because you're dating conjoined twins. It has been awkward
so far, because "the other twin" is a Gemini, which is your
opposite sign, but this will change by the end of the week. Instead
of ignoring "the other twin", include them. Keep the other
one active with activities like badminton or connect-four. Maybe the
other twin enjoys cooking or crossword puzzles. Your options are many,
and "the other twin" should be willing to explore these
options with you while you are fucking his/her brother/sister. If
all else fails, simply engage "the other twin" in some polite
conversation such as biotechnology (see Libra). Everything will work
out fine. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You're
usually the one who's working overtime so why not delegate to a person
who'd love to help. Yeah, right. Maybe if you weren't such a dick
to everyone there might be such a person. Have fun staying late again,
asswipe. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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If
someone comes up to you on the street today, and asks you if you would
like to make an easy $50, follow him down the alley and see what happens.
According to your solar chart, whoring is an occupation that could
bring you considerable rewards. There's a lot of competition out there
so see if you can find a niche. You might not think that sodomy with
stiletto heels would pay the bills, but you'd be surprised to know
what some people, including members of your own family, truly dig. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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This
is going to be a hard day and people are going to try to avoid you.
You better do something about that little "habit" of yours
too. Nobody cares if it enhances your performance and the, "it's
the only way I can stand the smell of the genitals" excuse is
starting to get a little old. The Sun is in Mars, so don't worry.
All the crack you're smoking isn't the only reason your face is so
red. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Unlike
other signs this week, Mars, who is your ruler, will conjoin the solar
eclipse next Saturday and seriously fuck your shit up. Stay calm.
If your lover has Parkinson's disease, whatever you do, don't let
him/her penetrate you with his/her shaking fists. It will almost definitely
lead to some serious internal bleeding this time. Learn from your
mistakes. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Don't
move! There's a spider on your back. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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There's
plenty to do, so stay busy. Don't pop your head up to flirt or to
point out what seems like an error. Don't snitch on a co-worker who's
goofing off, either or he/she will kill you. He/she is planning to
kill you either way, but maybe he/she won't make you suffer too much
if you're nice to him/her in these last few days. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
might be busy making plans for some kind of reunion. You might want
to put it off until after the weekend, when you're explosive diarrhea
has passed. Or not. It's up to you, but something you ate is not going
to agree with you and you can plan on pissing out of your ass for
most of the weekend. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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There
may be times this week when it seems as if Lady Luck has deserted
you, but your concerns are unfounded. Lady Luck is just a metaphor,
but if there were such a person, she would have deserted you a long
time ago. Maybe you should try and do something about that back hair.
Maybe you should join the circus, monkey boy. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Once
Jupiter, planet of good fortune, crosses the heavens, on Friday, you
will be more optimistic about a stagnant relationship. This would
be a great time to take your loved one on a romantic getaway. Travel
to Chechnya and rediscover your love for one another. Go to the beautiful
peninsula of North Korea or the lovely island of Vieques, off of Puerto
Rico. At any of these or many other beautiful locations, you will
fall in love again while ducking for cover and hiding in the bushes.
Getting kidnapped will rekindle your hearts and souls with the loving
looks you'll give to one another while both of your mouths are covered
in duct tape. You'll feel like you are on your honeymoon. Good luck,
you crazy kids! |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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This
would be a perfect time to work on the communication that you are
lacking during sex with your partner. Communication can be a real
turn on, so talk about things that are important to you, like biotechnology.
Express to your partner your feelings regarding manipulation of biological
organisms to make products that benefit human beings while you manipulate
his/her genitals. While both giving and receiving oral sex, discuss
British biophysicist Francis Crick, who bravely presented the double-helix
model of DNA. And while you cum scream out your favorite website http://encarta.msn.com/find/Concise.asp?ti=05F76000
Trust us. He'll/She'll love you for it. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Scorpio is one
of the zodiac's excretion signs. Up until now your partner has been
satisfied with you just cumming, but it's becoming so routine. You
see, cumming may have been enough in the 20th century, but this
is a new millennium. After cumming you should explore your nose,
ears, ass and mouth. Be romantic. Blow your nose in their bellybutton.
Clean your ears with a Q-tip and put it in their eye; there's enough
to go around. Shit on them! Spit on them! You can even cry on them
and call them Mommy/Daddy. The possibilities are endless. Vomit,
urine, blisters. It's endless. Don't limit yourself to one excretion.
Show em' what you've really got!
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