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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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Decembere
2002
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S
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M
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T
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W
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F
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1
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3
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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22
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24
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27
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28
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29
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You're
about to be tested on something you should already know. When the
officer asks for your license, don't say something stupid like "I
left it at the bar" again. Remember the new 3 strikes law? You fucking
lush. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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A
friend's great scheme to make a million still has a few rough spots.
You might not know about a few details, especially the ones about
shoveling two kilos of cocaine up your ass. You know the gig is up
when you hear the words "Cavity Search!! Go to the elbow!" |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
other person is having trouble hearing you. Be patient. If that doesn't
work, run over their ass with your 88 Crown Vic. That's what they
get for jogging with a Walkman on. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Travel's
not a good idea, especially overseas. Americans are great commodities
in the Middle East. Hopefully, you will die for Allah for standing
in the wrong place at the right time. Trust me you won't be missed. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
Sun is in Scorpio- again. A team effort could run into difficulties,
soon. You haven't budgeted enough for all the expenses. So when your
get-away driver requests 25% instead of 15, I suggest you give it
to him. You cheap ass white bastard!
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
may be carrying more than your share of the burden. That's what it
feels like, anyway. Maybe you ought to release your iron grip on the
crack pipe. Trust me your wife/husband has noticed the kitchen appliances
disappearing. Can I suggest making extra cash in the little booths
at the porno store? |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Your
best time for romance today is early. As the day goes on, you get
busier, and the children leave school playgrounds at around 3pm. Don't
be late! |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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If
you want to make a date for tonight, good luck. You couldn't get laid
in a whorehouse with a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Why don't you sit at home, and jerk-off to Buffy The Vampire Slayer
re-runs and pop pimples like usual? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Home
is where you'd like to be, snuggled up with a good book. But guess
what, you won't be. You'll be doing 15 years for statutory
rape, and that's exactly what you deserve. If you treat bubba right,
maybe he'll cuddle with you a little bit after he ass rapes you. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Learning
a new routine may make your life easier, eventually. Right now, it's
just making things more complicated. Don't fight it; just remember:
shit, wipe, then flush. You will catch on one day. We fucking hope,
you smelly pig. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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If
you can't decide what to buy, wait. It'll get easier. Your new found
friend will tell you 3 tens for 20. How can you pass that up? Anyways
you will get home and realize you bought aspirin with ambosol smeared
on them. You are the dumbest crack head ever. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A slight difference
of opinion could escalate into an issue if you're not careful. When
the businessman says, "no you can't have my wallet" Just hit him
in the face with the butt of your pistol. He will be much more
open to suggestion.
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