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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
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February
2003
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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S
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1
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2
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3
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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19
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21
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23
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24
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25
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26
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27
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28
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Things
may seem rough right now, but they will look up. Then, just when things
start to look up again, they will probably go straight to the shitter
once and for all. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Someone
stole your car!? Noooo, silly. You just forgot where you parked. These
are symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. Soon you'll forget where you
live and how to go to the bathroom by yourself. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Things
could always be worse. You could be giving head to a toothless weirdo
in a Port-O-Potty to support your crack habit. Cheer up! At least
that last guy had teeth. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
are feeling a little bit lousy because your breasts are too big. A
40DD!? It wouldn't be so bad if you were at least female. God damnit
you're one fat motherfucker. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Listen,
the stars hate to be the ones to tell you this, but you are a little
bit too fat to wear those pants. You've tried every diet and none
have worked, so now might be the perfect time to try a new method.
Refer to this
for more information. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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After
serious contemplation, the stars have decided it is malignant. Sorry.
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Your
romantic side has a tendency to want to be adventurous. But masturbating
on a park bench during your lunch break is neither romantic, nor adventurous.
It's just gross. This is probably why you're still a virgin. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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It
can be hard helping others when you are feeling overburdened, yourself.
I mean, 12 kids is a lot to handle. What the fuck were you thinking?
Did you really think that Malt Liquor was a better purchase decision
than birth control. You're such a whore. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
will find yourself at a lack of funds in coming weeks. But look on
the bright side; you're poor anyway. You've been poor your whole life.
According to statistics, the chances of you moving up a social class
are very low. Food stamps were made for people like you. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Use
your education to achieve the goals you want to achieve. Use your
body to seduce your teachers if you are having trouble in class.
Use your legs to run if you get caught by the wife.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Sometimes
sweet memories have a tendency to cloud your priorities. Listen, the
stars miss 1983 just as much as you do. But at your first day on the
job, cocaine isn't the great icebreaker it used to be. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
are feeling the need for direction. Well, don't look to the stars.
Instead, try listening to a few Iron Maiden records backwards. There's
a lot of valuable information in these if you listen hard enough.
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