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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Remember
when you said you were definitly not gay, Aquaris? Well just look
at yourself now, you fucking dandy. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
stars couldn't give less of a shit about you this week, Pices, you
miserable prick. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
will have a lot of explaining to do this week, Aries, considering
that you and your 'roommate' have had your dicks stuck in chinese
fingercuff for 3 days now. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Wes
Craven will bring an all new meaning to "terror" for you
this week when you wake up and find him furiously masturbating over
your face. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Stab
stab STAB!, MAIM! , FUCK!, THRUST! PUNCH HACK!! ...oh shit, was I
saying that out loud? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
will be forced to sell other peoples garbage for a living. But the
stars recommend that you refer to it as "retro" overcharge
for it. You will do just fine. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Well,
Leo. As far as the stars can tell you're still the same loudmouth
asshole you've always been. Way to go. The stars love consistancy. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
will explode onto the porno scene this week. Unfortunatly, being beaten,
bound, and having a live grenade shoved up your ass isn't exactly
how you hoped it would happen. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Your
house will be invaded by cockroaches this week. So will your mouth,
ears and ass. Dont worry though, the stars know what you should do.
Err... actually, no they dont. Good luck with that. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You will go
door to door this week in an attempt to spread your new found happiness.
In a related story you will visit the hospital to have a "watchtower"
magazine removed from your ass, you fucking annoying Jehovah's Witness
bastard.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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The
stars are pretty sure that your 'momma is so fat that when they yell
"kool-aid" she comes bustin thru the wall'. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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A
strange, pudgy man with an odd voice will entice you into a bizarre
affair involving exotic spices, oil, and a camel. The stars warned
you never to trust Marlon Brando. |
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