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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
know a lot, but you don't know everything. Nor should you. What fun
is that? Today, instead of struggling with something you don't understand,
ask somebody who thinks it's easy. That way, if you fuck it up, like
you always do, you can blame it on them. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Now's
your chance to make some fresh starts, especially when it comes to
your home and family life. As long as they're under 18, you can still
put your children up for adoption and get cracking on a whole new
set. Better hurry. You're not getting any younger. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
could be dying for a little adventure, but there's some stuff around
the house that will keep you stuck at home. House arrest is a common
form of punishment for minor crimes like yours and it's nothing to
be ashamed of. A pair of loose fitting khakies will conceal that leg-bracelet
of yours. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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If
you and your sweetie have been having a few disagreements lately,
you'll probably feel a little better about it now. This is simply
the eye of the storm. you'll soon be back at it again and the relationship
will quickly disintegrate. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
should be feeling like you've got a fresh burst of energy right now.
It's actually proabably just all the caffeine that you've been drinking
and it's most likely doing a lot of serious damage to your heart.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Now's
not the best time for you to party hearty with your buddies. It would
be better for you to focus and spend your time on more important things,
like making homemade explosives and hoarding weapons. It's later than
you think. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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If
you're having trouble with your team, relationship or job, relax.
Soon, a medical condition will leave you blind and deaf and you won't
have to see or hear anyone ever again. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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A
game you've been playing is almost over. Count your wins and losses
and shuffle the deck. Call the folks back home, just to let them know
what's going on with you. Then, clean up all those little pieces of
brain and skull. The pools of blood. You gotta soak that shit up.
Line the front seat and the back seat and the floorboards with quilts
and blankets. So if a cop stops us sand starts sticking his big snout
in the car, the subterfuge won't last, but a glance the car will appear
to be normal. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
raring to go! If you've saved money, you could do something that seemed
like a fantasy not long ago. Unfortunately, you haven't and so you'll
spend the weekend sitting on you ass as usual and watching TV. What
a fucking loser. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Do you have
ideas about fixing up your home that your roommate doesn't share?
Well dont' worry about it because a fire will destroy the entire
place very soon.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Money
is the root of all evil. That's why it is up to you to rid the world
of it. Start by robbing all the banks in your local area and burning
the cash. Later you can move on to another town to stamp out the evil
there too. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Does
somebody in your family need help with a difficult project? Well fuck
them. it's not up to you to have to explan things to everyone all
the time. If you offer your services; you'll waste your whole day
on it. |
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