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May
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December
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Is
your family coming to visit? If so, keep the good wine locked in the
closet. That's right; you got to hide that shit from your drunk ass
dad and uncle. Don't be ashamed to use paper cups either. Give those
cheap niggazz night train and bologna sammiches! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
know that stack of magazines you've been saving? This is a great time
to read them all. There's something in there you'll be glad you found.
Maybe it will be that mail-order philippino boys advertisement you've
been looking for, you fucking fag pervert. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Did
a friend borrow money and not pay you back? Or are you trying to keep
up with the Jones's? Either way, take care. The friendship's worth
more than the money, but don't toss the money away. Be diplomatic,
and you can have both. Better yet, get the person who owes you to
steal all the nice shit the Jones's have instead. Kill two birds with
one stone. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Speak
up. The person who's misrepresenting you will continue to do so until
you put him or her straight. That's right. Beat that nosey
prick until he tells everyone you're straight. Just because you go
down on your buddies doesn't make you queer. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Reschedule
your outing for another time. If you have to travel, pay attention
to what's going on around you. Fro example, what are all these dark
colored Sedans following you for? Maybe it's not the wisest thing
in the world to drive around with a fully functional methamphetamine
lab in the trunk of a 1984 Yugo. Maybe you should get your inspection
sticker renewed too, you fucking retard. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
don't have enough money to throw around but that's not a problem.
You might come up with enough material for a book. Call it "How
To Hide White Bitches In A Crawlspace." That's a best seller
if I ever heard of one, muvah-fukah! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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If
you've been keeping secrets, 'fess up. Your partner's going to discover
them anyway. He or she may have a confession for you, too. It might
even help explain all the little blisters on your genitals? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Plans
may have to be changed, and a trip postponed and it may not make sense
to go now. If your routine's been disrupted, relax. Find dat ho' and
beat her senseless. That bitch got to learn not to smoke what she's
trying to sell fo' you! |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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An
outing may prove to be more costly than you'd planned. Don't succumb
to a child's temper tantrum. Be firm. Beat that little motherfucker
black and blue, and keep doing it until he or she learns to keep his
or her little mouth shut! Afterward, tell them, "there ain't
no Santa Claus." Mental scars take much longer to heal. Earn
that worlds greatest dad t-shirt. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You're
in the eye of the storm. Others are trying to figure out what to do.
You may discover the answer before they do. Here's a hint. The answer
involves malt liquor, and a loaded .45. By tomorrow, they'll know
who's right. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Think
about what you can do for others. Planning will keep costs from escalating.
There's no need to go into debt to show how much you care. A good
slap to the mouth will keep dat' bitch in line just as good, if not
better, than buying some expensive flowers or perfume. Sometimes it's
not so much what you say, as it is how you say it, foo. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Your intuition
is good and a person who's been hiding the truth may be ready to
tell all. Discuss a sensitive matter in the privacy of your home;
no need to broadcast it all over town. Why not give them a gentle
little nudge? I suggest putting there fucking head in a vice and
squeezing until their eye pops out. I guarantee they'll tell
you anything you want to know.
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