| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
September
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
|
|
|
|
4
|
5
|
|
|
8
|
9
|
|
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
|
|
17
|
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
|
23
|
|
24
|
|
26
|
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
You
may want to increase your wages. Start by convincing yourself that
you're worth more. That will be the easy part. The hard part will
come when you try to convince others. Since everyone hates you and
thinks you're an idiot, it will be next to impossible. It sucks to
be you, doesn't it? |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
Your
boss has been pouring on the work. You have a busy schedule, full
of little details. Answer those calls and get that stack of papers
off your desk. Don't just dump them into a drawer. Instead, roll them
up and use them as a wick to blow up your boss' car. You'll feel twice
as good if you first knock him unconscious and lock his fat ass in
the trunk. |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
You should have
pleasant, imaginative, creative dreams soon. This will go on for
a few weeks. When they finally stop, you'll realize that it was
only an overdose of PCP and that you've peeled off pieces of your
face and tried to feed them to your dog. Man, you need to cut that
shit out.
|
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
A
little competition could motivate you. Pull yourself up off the couch
and out into the world. Something you can find will give you the edge
over that annoying know-it-all. Something that you can buy in any
gun shop, or K-Mart. I think you know what I'm talking about. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
You
could advance your career soon. You may not have to learn anything
else. You may just have to take what you're already doing someplace
else. Out of the bathroom and into the board- room. Soon you'll be
sucking the dicks of much more important people. Way to go, you whore. |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
Today
you're smart and quick at figuring things out. How about trying to
figure out why you can't get laid. What do you think? Is it your weight
problem or your tremendous body odor? Maybe it's a combination of
the two. Guess that being smart and quick at figuring things out isn't
all that great when you're as gross looking as you, is it? |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
You
and a partner could still be talking about money. If this is your
mate, you're discussing something you want for your home. All this
money talk is pretty pointless, all things considered. Your mate is
cheating on you, and you'll be killed later today. It's a waste of
both of your time. |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
The
Sun is in Virgo. You should do well in a partnership now. Get together
with a person who has skills you lack. In other words, get together
with pretty much anyone. You're an imbecile. |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
You
should be creative today, so take on a challenge. This won't necessarily
be easy, but that's OK. You get bored when things are too easy. Try
something that few people can do. Try lighting yourself on fire. Not
a lot of people can do that. |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
You
should have an excellent time with an old friend now. Go back over
the photo albums and relive the good old days. That'll give you a
chance to say what you forgot to say back then. Try not to bring up
that 'incident' no one likes to talk about. You'll only be opening
a can of worms with that topic. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
Something
needs to be discussed in private. You could learn something you never
knew before. Start by asking for, and giving the others, permission
to discuss a forbidden subject. When they begin to talk openly about
it, laugh and point your finger in their faces and call them a "bunch
of fucking queers". That will be pretty funny. |
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
If
you've been wondering how you're going to live the life of luxury
you deserve, dig for answers. Learn as much as you can about the rich
and famous. Then, pull your head out of your ass and face the facts.
You'll always live in poverty. You're lucky you can even afford to
eat. |
|
|
|
