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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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August
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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2
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5
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6
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7
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8
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12
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13
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15
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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23
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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'Loopy
Jupi' (my own personal nickname for Jupiter) is going crazy this month!
All rings are half price! Cosmic advice is only 19.99! Prices are
insane! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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An
opportunity will be headed your way very quickly, but if you hop out
of the way it won't hit you. Why would you want to have to deal with
that kind of pressure? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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With
four planets lined up in your 12th house, your interplanetary house
of hoes is really rocking! You will certainly make some good cash
today. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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This is a good
day to give blood; if you weren't so stingy, that is. Instead, you
will probably spend the day counting and recounting each and every
white blood cell you have and laughing with a crazy diabolical laugh.
You are a selfish maniac.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
are aching to pack up and go. What are you waiting for? Six out of
ten planets agree that it would be the best thing you could do to
improve your life and the easiest way to ditch your court date. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Feeling
unmotivated? Why not recruit an unwitting friend to the gym? They
will feel guilty if they don't show up and help shape up your fat
ass, so you can be sure they'll be there. But will you? |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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On
the 16th, emotions will be running hot. It will certainly not be a
good time to be around. But you have plenty of time to plan a vacation
and you can be out of here by then. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
may be ready to take a few steps forward. Physical therapy has been
long and embarrassing, but you have pulled through. I am sure this
whole thing will make you think the next time you go surfing during
a tornado. Stupid. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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After
years of being underpaid, you are finally going to get what you deserve:
fired. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Others
are suggesting you put romantic hardships behind you but the stars
suggest you sit right on top of them and ride them like a banshee.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Jupiter
was supposed to bring you lots of luck this month but he wanted me
to tell you he got a flat tire somewhere along the Milky Way and probably
won't be able to make it 'till next month. But he says to hang in
there. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Hmm....from
here, your future seems grim. However, there is so much planetary
activity going on in your anus, you won't even notice. |
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