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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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August
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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2
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5
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6
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7
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8
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12
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13
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15
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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23
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Opposites
do attract, but you may have to make the first move. The other person
seems a little standoffish but that figures since he or she is your
opposite! If you rub your crotch on his or her leg, he or she might
get the hint. Maybe try 'marking' him or her with your own urine.
It works for animals most of the time. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
are naturally good at taking care of people but you may not be making
the best use of labor-saving devices. One you discover today could
make your life a lot easier. It won't make as much noise as a gun,
and won't draw as much attention. You'll find it hard to believe that
it was right there in your garage all this time. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Did
you know that police officers just love it when you run toward them
with a toy pistol in your hand? It's true. Why not try it today? Why
not try it in the nude, covered in pig's blood? You can get some from
your local butcher shop. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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This could be
a slow, methodical and frustrating day. Aren't they all though?
Face it; you're never going to be able to succeed in a normal society.
See if you can get yourself into one of those group homes with a
bunch of other retards. Dumb ass.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Sagittarius
is the sign of the professor, the judge and the priest. Maybe that
what makes most of you a bunch of know-it-all, self-riotous, child
molesters. Fuck you and all Sagittariuses like you. I hope you get
hit by a car today, you prick. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Can
you turn other people's money into your own? That's the challenge
every entrepreneur faces, however, not every entrepreneur has the
balls to pistol whip some old lady and take her social security check
right outside of a bank in broad daylight. You must be some sort of
visionary. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Somebody's
trying to tell you what to do. Tell them they can go fuck themselves.
You know what you're doing. You just turned 13 for Christ's sake.
When are they going to start treating you like the adult you are?
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
may have a difficult job in front of you. Unfortunately, the person
who wants this done isn't explaining the assignment well. You best
thing for you to do is to pretend that you understand what they want,
and then half-ass it as usual. Fuck them. You're getting paid by the
hour. What do you care? |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
are fucked. I'm not kidding. You better just get the hell out of town
right now. Man, I'm glad I'm not you. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Somebody
who's older than you has some definite ideas about how things should
be done. Somebody's who's older needs to get his or her ass kicked.
You don't have to take any more of their shit, and you certainly don't
have to be 'catcher' all the time. Today, while they're asleep, light
them on fire. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
Sun is in Leo. You could go for a jaunt today. A jaunt? No, that's
not it. Wait. It's coming to me now. You have jaundice! Oh, shit.
Sorry. Maybe you should see a doctor. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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The
Sun is in Leo. Should you keep the money or spend it? Should you save
it or get a toy you've wanted for a long time? Well, consider this.
You'll be dead in two weeks. Does that make it any easier for you?
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