Fugly
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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
August 22, 2000

By frank6
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Treat yourself today. Have a nice meal at a fancy restaurant. Order the most expensive item on the menu, then send it back. Scream, "Oh my god, I just bit into a finger!" Make as big a mess at your table as you can. Write your name in mashed potatoes and gravy all over the tablecloth. Pick your nose and wipe boogers under the edges of all of the plates. Take a dump in the sink in the restroom, and wipe your ass with your table napkin. Order a big desert, then slip out the back door and don't look back. You can never look back.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 You are feeling very strong today. You are ready to take on the world. Let's show 'em what you are made of. Go down to the local playground and pick and fight with the biggest, meanest kid you see. When he's bloody and crying, steal his candy. So what if you're 27. This is not about age. This is about justice. Just think of all the times you've been stepped on and abused. It's payback time. Besides, if you picked a fight with someone your own size, you would get your whiny little Virgo ass kicked.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 Today is a good day to travel. I hear Sweden is a nice place to visit this time of year. The mountains are very scenic, and maybe you could get a sex change while you are there. Who are you trying to kid? Your dick hasn't seen any action since the Reagan administration. You might as well donate it and let some young he-woman give it a go. Besides, if they make you into a woman, you might actually get laid sometime this millennium.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Charity is your mission today. Your motto should be, "Give 'til it hurts, and then give some more." Give your boss a fresh cup of coffee loaded with laxatives. Give your secretary twice her normal workload. If she complains, give her an assignment to take home. Give a police officer the finger on your way home. Give your lover a black eye, and then give all her favorite clothes to goodwill. Give your dog a swift kick in the ass, a milk bone coated with broken glass, and then give his mangy ass to the local animal shelter. Give, give, give. Oh, and at the end of the day be thankful!

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 Older doesn't always mean wiser. For instance, if an old man in a raincoat asks you to follow him into an alley, he's probably not going to reveal any sacred geometries to you. In fact, the only old person you should follow down a dark alley is an old whore. It may not sound that much fun, but when they take those false teeth out, boy let me tell you! You won't leave wiser, and you won't leave richer, but you'll thank me anyway. Gum it sister, gum it!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Everybody's snooping around your door today. In fact, the FEDs are tapping your phone line as we speak. They have been monitoring your e-mail for some time now, and have amassed quite a pile evidence. It's too late to run. It's too late to hide.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Your sweetheart wants more of a hand in making plans today. Fuck her! Her plans always suck. Remember that last Harrison ford movie she dragged you to? It made you want to vomit. Cigars and a ballgame. Now, that's a plan. When she starts putting out again, then she can make some plans. Until then, she should put her energy to better use. Like making you dinner. A man's gotta draw the line somewhere.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 Others aren't listening to what you have to say. They are always cutting you off, and they never pay attention to any of your suggestions. You need to find a way to get their attention. Try an ice pick. I find that after several punctures to the lung, people become docile and more receptive. If not, at least they will be too busy gasping for air to keep talking. When the authorities show up, I am certain they will want to hear what you have to say.
Aries
March 20- April 19
 You are having trouble feeling motivated today. Your old mail route has lost its luster. Try imagining yourself on an island in the south Pacific. If that doesn't work, try imagining your boss' head in the crosshairs of an assault rifle. Focus on how good it felt when you filled out your firearm background check at Wal-Mart. Are you feeling motivated yet? Five more days and the waiting period will be over, then they'll know who the real boss is. You'll show them all. God bless Wal-Mart. Just five more days.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 Today you will be very lucky in love. Those unsightly sores on your mouth are beginning to heal, and people will stop treating you like a leper. Your HIV test results came back negative, too. Now you won't have to tell the little woman about that night in Reno with the donkey and the midgets. You should call the midgets though, and tell 'em thanks for the heads up!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 Your lover is very needy today. Screw them! And while you are, make sure you look out for number one. Fuck foreplay. Just get in, get it over with and get the hell out. Then pop open a cold one and watch some TV. If they complain, tell them to shut up and go make you a sandwich. Remember, you wear the pants.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 You think you have it all figured out today. Well, you still have plenty to learn. Like about your personal pain threshold. I suggest starting with a car battery and a pair of jumper cables. The possibilities are endless if you wear the right shoes. I bet your tongue can withstand some pretty high voltage, too. Which shoes are the "right" ones to wear? I wouldn't want to spoil it for you. Try them all. It's not about knowledge for its own sake, but the thrill of discovery.
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