| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
September
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
-
|
|
|
|
|
4
|
5
|
|
|
8
|
9
|
|
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
|
|
17
|
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
|
23
|
|
24
|
|
26
|
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
You
can have just about anything you want. The exception might be a gift
you'd like to buy a loved one that you can't afford. The other exception
might be real friends. Oh yeah and a life. And good looks. And half
a brain. Shit, you can't have anything can you? |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
Your lucky break
should come about Friday or Saturday. It will come in the form of
a fractured skull. It will be delivered by a mental patient with
a cro-bar. It might not seem lucky, but hey. At least you won't
be dead.
|
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
Unlike
Scorpio, you won't get a lucky break. If you hang out with any Scorpios
on Friday or Saturday, it will be the last time anyone sees you alive.
Better stay in this weekend. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
Whoa!
You'd better cool it for a while. Don't get cocky, especially around
the person who signs your paycheck. Don't be too bold with traffic
cops, either. They'll pistol whip you faster than you can say. "Police
brutality". They always carry a 'throw down' gun too. Just in case
they go too far. Don't be an idiot. |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
Go
along with a sweetheart's request and sail past the only potential
problem. Your partner wants a commitment. Quit saying things like
"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" That's what got you into
this mess in the first place. You're so stupid. |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
Money's
still a potential problem area. That's the good news. The other problem
area is your genitals. It's not normal to cry after you urinate. It
isn't supposed to burn like that. Go see a doctor. |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
You
may be outnumbered, outvoted, and outclassed today. Just make sure
you're not outgunned. You know what we're saying. Show you're one
in a million by going along with your mate or partner's suggestion.
He or she probably cares more about this than you do. Admit it, you
don't care about anything. You're a dick. |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
You
may be facing a mountain of paperwork, but don't despair. You should
be in good shape to handle it, now. Later you won't be, but now, yes.
You've got crabs! |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
You
just got a whole lot luckier, especially in love! The person you're
after may be playing a little hard to get, but don't give up. He or
she just wants a lifetime commitment. Screw that. Just go get a prostitute.
They'll leave when you're through. That's what you're really paying
for. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
Does
your home need a major renovation? Is it time to paint the kitchen?
Get new furniture? Move? Don't panic; it doesn't all have to be done
in the same moment. Why don't you try tackling the "get a job' part
first. That might help with the rest of it. Loser. |
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
You'll
be surprised at how much you can learn, in a relatively short period
of time. Especially on speed and Ritalin. Take as much as you can
stand. You're awesome! |
|
|
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
You
might do well financially, but it won't be easy. You'll have to use
all your skills. Straight sex, rimming, round the world. It's a good
thing you've got lots of experience. Whore. |
|
|
|
