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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Sunday
September 3, 2000
By Martin Felcher
and
Some kid from North Dakota.
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September
2000
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4
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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What
you need is a new line of work. Insurance fraud is great, and dealing
with home-made explosives is exciting. A career in shoplifting or
vandalism will provide you with years of enjoyment, and many stories
to tell later on, after you've retired. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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There's
been too much stress lately. Today is your day to relieve all of that.
Quit your job, leave your spouse, and drive somewhere far, far away.
On the way, drink until you go blind. When you finally wake up, you
won't have to worry about stress, and you'll have a lot of new options.
Trust us. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You've finally
got that big promotion. You want to oppress people, but you want
to be productive too. Here's an idea. Order your workers to do something
very dangerous and completely unnecessary. If any of them second-guess
you, fire them immediately. These free thinkers will only drag you
down. Repeat this every month or so until you've got your own little
army or mindless drones.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Today
is a day of reflection. Remember last night? You did 24 guys in three
hours. Everybody there'll remember you as a filthy whore; your boss,
your co-workers, and about half a dozen strangers. Hey, don't go into
a drunken frenzy about it. That's how it started last time. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You've
been spending a lot of time on those text-based, roll-playing Internet
games, especially at work. You spend all day in that fantasy world.
Today is the day to make it happen for real. Smash that damn computer.
Those worthless binders your asshole boss gave you can finally be
put to some use. Burn them, and take apart your cubicle. Make some
armor and a sword out of the cheap metals you find, then, go on some
quests. Beat some co-workers, and smash the demons that infect the
coffee machine. You'll have the experience to take on your evil boss
and put his head on a stake. His superiors will probably promote you.
That or call the police. Either way, it's better than your shitty
job, isn't it? |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Lately,
something has been eating at you. There's a problem you'd like to
talk about with friends, but you may be afraid they'll think less
of you. You're right. Who wouldn't think less of someone after finding
out they're a child molester? What kind of sick freak are you? |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Today
is a good day to look at your financial situation. You have no assets,
and no money. Too bad you sold your pride, dignity and virginity.
As usual, you're fucked. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Today
you should find yourself another friend. Forget about your past, and
anything you may have done to hurt others. Don't feel bad about it.
You didn't know that a butter knife could go in that far, or that
the serrated edge could catch onto an artery. I bet he really believed
you when you wrapped him up in that blanket for warmth, and he was
probably already dead when you threw him into that river. Hey, if
they can't produce a corpse, they can't prove a thing. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You'll
receive a visitor today. It will be a Girl Scout, selling cookies.
You don't want to get arrested again so, this time, put some pants
on before you answer the door. Sicko. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Today
is the day to stand up for a cause you believe in. Take a gun, and
go on a shooting spree. Take a few hostages if you feel like it. Others
will notice you and your cause, and they'll rally in your support.
Your cause will probably fail, like everything else you do, but at
least you'll have done your part. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Yesterday
sucked, and so will today. In fact, today will be much worse. The
rest of your life will be like today. I'm happy I'm not you. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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This
is a good time for a career change. It's time to go out on your own,
and become self-employed. You'll get to set your own work hours, and
get all of the profits, instead of that pimp telling you who, where
and what to have sex with. A lot of guys like empowered women. This
might even get you a date. |
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