Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
September 7, 2000

By frank6
September 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
 You are in a very romantic mood. The smell of the green rolling hills has stirred something deep down inside you. There's something about a good sheep that brings out the best in you. It's not exactly the same as a real woman, but it's not ba-a-a-ad. You perv.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
 There's a lot of work piling up all around you today. Make sure you keep your workspace tidy and organized. One misplaced paper clip can ruin your 'afternoon delight' so, for both your sakes, keep it clean.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You just crave attention. It's time to start on your 'pornographic manifesto'. Title it, "Fuck 'Em All, Let God Sort 'Em out!" Outline your struggle with infidelity, and those damned rubber contraceptives. When you are done, write your phone number on it, and nail it to the door of the nearest abortion clinic. Your phone will soon be ringing off the hook!

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
 You are in very competitive spirits today. Why not take in a cockfight? Sure it's senseless and brutal, but it's steeped in the tradition of the American Southwest. All that smoke and feathers can be very exciting. Just don't get too excited. Remember last time? Fourteen stitches in your scrotum is no way to spend your winnings.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Travel and learning are in your forecast today. Tie your pet's leash to the back of your car and then go for a ride in the country. Oh, and don't forget to set your mileage meter. You want an accurate reading this time!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
A new business may not be working out like you thought it would. Nobody said hamster farming would be easy. Of course, the payoff would be a lot bigger if you didn't keep stuffing all the profits up your ass. Think of all those poor innocent rodents, fattening themselves up with the hope of being some little girl's pet, only to die a slow, smelly death in your rectum. How could you?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
 Today is the day to reassess your investments. Dump that Firestone stock pronto, but keep the tires on your Explorer. They might be worth something someday, just like that case of Pepsi-One and your Welcome Back Kotter trading cards. Besides, you wouldn't want to waste a pair of perfectly good tires, would you?
Aries
March 20- April 19
 Today is a good day to start a new partnership. Why not try being a bookie? There's a vacant pool-hall down the street for rent. You can use it as a front for your operation. If you act fast, you can be set up in a week. There may be some competition in the neighborhood already, so pack plenty of heat. I'm sure you'll make a killing!
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
 Is your love life boring? Do all your relationships seem dry and meaningless? I've got just the thing to spice up your nights. Try beating off with your left hand for a change. It really does feel like someone else!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
 You are feeling nostalgic for old friends today. Things just haven't been the same since you got married. Why not show your wife those old bachelor party photos? You can re-live the moment when the stripper shot pig-pong balls into your beer mug. Revel over your victory in the whipped cream race. You two will laugh together for hours!
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
 Today is your day to enter the forbidden. Call up that sexy aunt of yours who was eyeing you at the last family function, and ask her out for drinks. Afterwards, take her home and give her a bit of the old ruff and tumble. Maybe you can invite her to a funeral next month, after your mom dies.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
There's a lot of digging to do today. The body in your basement is starting to stink. Cut it into pieces, put them in some freezer bags, and bury them deep where no one will ever find them. Remember, before you dig, call Miss Utility. It's the law.
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