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January
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April
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May
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Friday
September 22, 2000
By frank6
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September
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Who
says that Opportunity only spreads her legs once? Fortune is a one-legged
whore who circles back for more! Speaking of whores, why not take
your girlfriends credit card down the liquor store and buy yourself
a forty? You deserve it after all she's put you through. That bitch
gave you herpes for Christ sake! |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Take
it easy. You've been way too stressed out lately. All you need is
solid friends, a big goat, and some quiet time. If that's not enough,
throw in a ball muzzle and a paring knife, and trust your intuition.
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Slack. I mean:
don't do a goddamned thing today. Nothin'. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
have an artistic eye and a love of wildlife. Why not try your hand
at taxidermy? This age-old science preserving life long after death. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Two
words. More porn. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
only good rat is a dead one. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
corpse smells particularly acrid today. You skin is riddled with maggots
and crawling with worms. But don't let it bother you. Rotting flesh
becomes you. Try to look on the bright side. The cemetery is full
eligible bachelorettes, even if they are a little past their prime.
So pick yourself out a hot little banshee, and start dancing the horizontal
hokie-pokie. And remember, it's not really necrophilia if you are
both already dead. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Today is a good day to order carryout. Try that new
little Chinese joint around the corner. They serve the best orange
tabby this side of the Yang Tse. If you are lucky, you might even
get one those new fortune charms in your meal. Mine said "Mittens,
Rabies, 10.28.99." It was so mystical; it sent chills down my spine.
I played those numbers and won big! You can learn a lot from ancient
wisdom. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Chores are a drag. Why not hire a topless maid to tidy
up around your place today? She probably won't get much cleaning done,
but who the hell cares? Just so long as she's good and thorough. Just
sit back in your easy chair and watch her go to work. Oh, and remember
to tip big. If you're lucky, she might even polish your silver. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Tonight.you die. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You have a photographic memory today. You can remember
the faces of all your victims very clearly. But don't get too cozy,
Hannibal. Your freezer is full and time is running out. In fact, the
feds are at your door right now. It looks like you won't have enough
time to eat all the evidence. It's probably just as well. You are
all out of steak sauce and the chainsaw is jammed with sinew again.
There's nothing left for you to do but suck it up and take like a
monster. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You've been paying a lot of attention to your diet lately.
Eating well-balanced meals, and laying off the sodas. Your Evian is
spiked with e-coli. |
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