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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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September
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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4
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5
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8
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9
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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19
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20
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21
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23
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24
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26
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28
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29
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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After
what you've been through, today looks pretty good. It would look pretty
good to others too, if you would only quit your whining. Nobody cares.
Just shut up. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Maybe
you ought to leave the credit cards at home. You could spend more
in an hour than you make in a month. If you're going to be shopping,
why not take your partner's credit cards instead. Have a blast. Wait
about three weeks and then dump that loser. By the time he or she
gets the bills, you can be long gone. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You could be
ready for a day off. Why not take it a step further and just quit
altogether. If you're married, leave him or her. If you're pregnant,
get an abortion. If you have kids, drop them off at some social
services building and hit the fucking road. Don't look back. Just
do it before you change your mind.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Strangely,
now that you could take the day off, you're in a businesslike frame
of mind. You want to make sure everything's done properly. That sounds
like a good thing but it's really annoying. Why don't you quit trying
to run other people's lives and schedule their time? You pushy asshole.
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Once
you fix up your place, you should be able to relax. Once you find
out where that smell is coming from, you might even be able to sleep
there again. Check the chimney. Maybe some animal climbed up there
and died. It happens. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Race
around and fix up your place, first thing. You may have company this
weekend, whether you've invited them or not. Drop-in guests often
make the best party. Besides, all your friends have one thing in common.
They're fat, just like you! Fatass! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Something
you set out to do may not be available, causing a change in plans.
Try to accommodate your partner's wishes, but don't get too worried.
The two of you may find an activity you like even better. As usual,
it will involve duct tape and fisting. You two should be locked up. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Getting
rid of stuff you don't need could be profitable, but getting rid of
someone else's stuff could be even more profitable. See what your
neighbor has in his garage. If he's not home, see if you can't get
inside and have a look around. Pawnshops will take almost anything.
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your
actions are more effective today. Your words could be taken more seriously,
too. Seriously, people are scared of you today. You're acting like
some kind of a freak. Are you ok? Maybe you should just stay away
from people for a while. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Why
don't you clean up that shit hole you live in today? Look at yourself.
You're a fucking mess. How the fuck do you expect to get anything
done in that dump? Your home literally stinks of rotting garbage.
You're disgusting. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Getting
together with friends would be lots of fun. That is, if you had any.
You suck. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may feel inhibited, but there's no point in arguing. The people who
are telling you to slow down probably have good reasons. Nobody wants
to see you make a fool of yourself like last time. Can we give you
some advice? Not everyone has to clean vomit out of his or her carpet
every Saturday morning. You might have a drinking problem?
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