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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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October
2000
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M
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W
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F
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2
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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20
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21
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22
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24
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26
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27
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28
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
most likely feel creative. Can you feel that masterpiece inside of
you just screaming to be set free? This is what makes you act like
such a pretentious asshole. Your parents might have encouraged your
"creativity" just a little too much. Your "talents" are only in your
imagination, right where they belong. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A loved one
can steer you around a potentially difficult situation. Unfortunately,
since you gave them such a shitty gift last season, they're planning
to steer you right through the middle of it. Get ready for trouble.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Although
you'd like to travel, you're going to have obligations to deal with
first. We're talking about five to ten years of obligations. The funny
thing is that most people don't even know that what you did is
illegal. Oh well. Live and learn. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Even
if you're good at managing money; soon, all of yours will be gone.
There's nothing you can do about it. We're sorry to have to be the
ones to tell you. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
and your partner need to figure out who's going to pay for what. If
you offer a little more than your share, you could get an unexpected
benefit in return. Why don't you pay for the breast implants and let
your partner fork out the dough for that abortion? |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You're
looking good. Don't slow down; push boldly forward. If you make a
mistake, don't stop. Keep going, and maybe nobody will even notice.
When he finally shoots his load, collect your 20 bucks, thank him
politely and get the hell out of there, you filthy whore. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Getting
along with people should be relatively easy early in the day but later,
while an overweight, drunken ex-Marine is sitting on your chest, pounding
your face with his fists, you'll realize that it has become much
more difficult. Keep your mouth shut, smart-ass. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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A
buddy may try to talk you into spending more than you can afford.
Don't give in to the temptation to go over budget, just because somebody
else does. Ask him to pay for it all and promise that you'll pay him
or her back as soon as you can. If he or she is stupid enough to believe
that, you're home free! I can't believe that people are still stupid
enough to trust you. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Somebody
may ask you to do something that goes against your grain. How will
you get out of this? Although it is pretty selfish of you to only
pitch, don't be rude. The answer may be as simple as finding someone
who likes to catch full time. Promise them you won't forget the reach
around. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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If
you're thinking about starting a new endeavor, forget about it. You'll
have to get past at least one snag before you're in the clear. That
snag will be the loss of both of your legs. Watch for it so you're
not caught by surprise. After that's behind you, the rest of your
journey should be easy; as long as it's downhill. Gimp. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Something
you've eaten has caused your body to produce a tremendously foul odor.
Although you don't notice it, other people are beginning to avoid
you. Deodorants and perfumes will be unable to conceal it. You'll
just end up smelling like a dirty diaper soaked in perfume. Better
stay home today. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
and another person need to keep your negotiations confidential. Yelling,
"three for ten and ten for twenty!" across the office is not a good
idea. Someone is going to catch on pretty soon that you're not talking
about your football pool. You're really pretty stupid. Maybe you should
just turn yourself in. |
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