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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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W
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2
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3
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5
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10
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11
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12
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14
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15
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18
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21
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Community
service at the nursing home really sucks, huh? Old people smell like
beef and are full of lies. It almost wasn't worth seducing that underage
kid down the road ... almost. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
have cancer. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may find you are in a good mood for once, sort of. The infection has
finally eased up and that lingering smell is not so potent today.
Hint: Saran wrap is not a condom. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Saturn
says that a new love will come into your life and sweep you off your
feet. When your old love finally tracks you down, he will make a belt
out of your nipples. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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So
no one has applied yet for the position scrubbing the semen off the
walls of those 4x6 booths? Don't get too upset, you don't have the
heart to fire your mother anyway. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Scorpio
is known for it's compassion, strength and luster. All Scorpios except
for you, that is. Oh, they call you scorpio alright, but that's because
you are known for having crabs. Revel in your popularity, even if
it may be negative. Make sure to scratch when everyone is looking
to let them know that you don't care what they think. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Today
is a day for recollection. It seems like just yesterday you packed
your things at the tender age of 14 and left for the city, where you
met that older man who took you in and gave you a bed that you shared
with four other kids about your age who would leave the room when
it was your turn to work. A stranger stepped into your life and gave
you direction when you had none. You should be more thankful. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
stars are in place and jupiter has assumed the position. You are going
to be raped in prison. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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The
stars were on an all-night bender with Jupiter, and are a little hung-over.
You will meet someone, either a man or a woman. He or she will be
wearing pants. Something will probably happen. Look, this astrology
shit isn't as easy as it looks, okay? To be honest, Jupiter is getting
a little sick and tired of your stupid questions, and the stars think
you should go fuck yourself. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Pisces,
the moon is telling you for the last time: she doesn't love you and
she never will. Get on with your life. At least you still have that
belt you made from her nipples. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
might as well learn right now that people don't always mean what they
say. Like that time your mom said you were "special," she actually
meant, you were "adopted." |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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So,
you're thinking of packing up and taking a trip into the woods, huh?
Ever seen the Blair Witch Project? That is a true story. As a matter
of fact, statistics show that in almost every national forest, at
least one murder has been committed and four bodies have been found.
Happy trails, dead man |
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