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January
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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W
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F
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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21
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_
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Don't
be surprised if your family tries to 'axe' your new lover. They've
got it in for him. Besides, what do you think happened to your last
one? Do you really think that was 'chicken' in the soup? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Confrontation
awaits you when you get home, but you have the mental and physical
strength to succeed. Who says you can't hit a woman? Then maybe she'll
leave you alone for one stinking minute! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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He
will call you if you just relax. He said he would, didn't he? Didn't
he say he liked your 'style?' Be a man and stop pacing around the
phone. Go get your nails done and chill, girlfriend! |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Lately,
you have been wondering if there is something out there for you besides
the 9-5 grind? The answer is a resounding, 'no.' You don't really
have any skills, you look sort of crazy with that weird face and that
big nose... you should be thankful that you have a job at all. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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When
you work, you work so hard; you look like an uptight workaholic tightwad
jackass. When you play, you play so hard; you seem like an impulsive,
stupid, carefree idiot. You might consider retiring to your couch
and never getting up again. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Today
is a day of personal awakening for many Sagittarius. But if you go
through with your plan to overdose on painkillers, you won't be doing
any awakening of any kind; personal or private. Come to think of it,
you probably won't even be reading this at all! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Around
the fifth, you have a tendency to be cruelly obnoxious and say some
things you don't really mean. A fifth of JD always makes you act that
way. Try a case of Bud today instead. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Emotional
outbursts aren't usually your style, but your other personality? The
fat truck driver? He loves to throw tantrums. You should have been
there the other day when he threw that old lady through the plate
glass at Super Duper Shop and Drop. Well, you were there, in a way.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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When
you have troubling issues on your mind, you sometimes retreat into
your own dream world. Everyone does this now and again, but it is
not wise to do it while driving through a school zone. Especially
when you're piss-ass drunk. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You're
an emotional woman, but you're trapped in the body of a 6'6" hairy,
balding man. It sucks to be you. The stars don't even know what to
say, except, let's keep it our little secret. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Finding
the perfect balance between hysteria and happiness is not easy for
you. Manic depression makes that nearly impossible! However, you show
great ability in dish throwing, self mutilation and you can stare
into space and at rock for hours on end! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Are
you sick of being attached to that selfish bastard? There are doctors
now who can separate you from your sibling, even if you are sharing
a vital organ, such as a heart or kidneys. But it might cost you an
arm or a leg. |
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