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January
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June
2000
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2
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Had
you just put those three little green flowers on the bottom of the
tub like everyone else, you might not have slipped in the tub and
broke your neck. Oh, there the stars go, writing in past tense again!
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Your
sign has a soft spot for animals, but be forewarned, animals are stupid
creatures and they don't like humans. Here's a little quip from the
lead trainer of 'Alligators Today': "When performing with alligators,
do not stick your head into the alligator's mouth, as they are hungry,
stupid animals, that will eat your head in one bite, as if it were
a delicious piece of candy." |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
will have another meaningless day, just like yesterday and the day
before and the day before that. The highlight of your day will be
taking a human-sized crap. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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With
the moon setting in your sign's sun sign, it is best to get out of
this relationship now while you still have a chance. Otherwise, your
torso and head will be proudly displayed on a pedestal in front of
your lover's bed. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
are too generous. You have to save some for yourself. That shit is
expensive. Something to consider: If your head was made of brie cheese,
would you let everyone you know take a bite? |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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People
aren't always what they seem. On the 30th, a man will approach you.
He will be well dressed and seem very nice. He will invite you to
dinner. Beware. You ARE the dinner. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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A
Haiku:
You're a piece of crap.
Why don't you just get a job?
Like your siblings did. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Being
a water sign, you love to be near the ocean. Have you given any thought
to pursuing one of the many opportunities of a Ship's Captain? Possible
careers include blue fish boat operator, Brazilian coke-yacht driver,
and head pirate. The sea is calling to you. Don't say no. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You
have been wanting to try out that new, trendy little sushi joint for
about a month now. The stars don't recommend eating raw fish, but
if you must, don't bring a date as you had planned, because the stars
see you pissing out your ass for about the next two days. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
stars predict that in coming weeks you will be having trouble with
your car. This is actually a blessing in disguise, that is, to the
local mechanic who has had a crush on you since you were 10. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Mercury
is rising to influence your decisions. The electric chair is the way
that everyone else usually chooses to go. If the state offers gallows,
take that, because if they don't have gallows, they will have to spend
a ton of money to build them. How's that for last laughs? |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Avoid
using words like always and never. When you do, you are always wrong,
you never make a valid point, and it just makes you look like an asshole
in front of your friends. |
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