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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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M
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W
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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21
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_
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
are a silly, happy go lucky, little goof ball! Typically, a real goof
ball is made from mixing crack and heroin together. That pretty much
sums you up. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
have had about enough of all the 'retard' comments you can stand.
Maybe you should pretend to have a different ailment. Sure, it will
be hard to start from scratch after a life of making money off this
scam, and you'll have to move, but look on the bright side; you won't
have to eat so much pudding. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Now
is the time to listen to that little voice inside your head that tells
you what to do. Some call it a conscience, but you call it 'the tiny
radio in my ear that the gub'ment put there.' |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Sometimes
you feel the need to do something a little bit crazy in remembrance
of the lord. You can stop feeling this way. The lord doesn't remember
you! |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The
next time you feel the need to get away, just think about the fact
that every day, a swarm of Cubans push off onto the ocean on a floatation
device made of wood and corn. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Jerry
Springer is on. The stars are on hiatus. Please refer back to this
section tomorrow, when Jerry Springer will feature "My Uncle is my
Pimp" and I will feature your future. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Do
something nice for a body part that you love. Paint a smiley face
on your penis, or perhaps get a fake moustache for your vagina. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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There
is no need to feel badly about your physical appearance. Some people
are just born shaped like baked apples, and there is nothing you can
really do about it. Even if you get surgery, everyone will know. You
might as well just tie, uh, hold your chin up. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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If
you are an obese whore, you might have to take a pay cut due to the
rise of slim Caucasian whores who can and will take work away from
you. If you aren't an obese whore, then why are you reading the whoreoscopes?
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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If
your name is Clyde, then you are very lucky. There is no reason that
you should be able to read, yet here you are, reading. Good for you!
Next comes counting. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Are
you feeling like the odds are against you? Girl, you'll be a woman,
soon. The hormone-induced breasts are coming along nicely. It looks
like you've got yourself, shit, a cup and a half sprouting there.
Now, you just need to get rid of that unsightly 'penis' because girls
don't have those! You'll figure out what you need to know in coming
months. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
have been giving thought to you and your family's personal safety.
Seeing that you have two young children in the house, the 'purchasing
a gun' plan sounds like an A-1 idea! Make sure to label the cookie
jar, 'Cookies' and the bullet jar 'Bullets' so that there is no mistake.
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