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January
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May
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June
2000
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2
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5
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11
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21
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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For
the most part, you should have a relaxing day. Doing your chores the
same way as before will be part of a comforting routine. You've got
your route down to a science. Elementary School forst, then the playgrounds.
You're getting to be a real expert |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You're
going to have more time to play with friends soon. You'll get exacly
1 hour a day, out in the yard, then it's right back to solitary for
you, you sick son of a bitch. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Your
luck is best early in the day. You may be able to make a career move
tomorrow, so get prepared. Get yourself some ether for the job and
a couple of easily concealable handguns. It might be a good idea to
burn off the tips of your fingers so you don't leave any fingerprints. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
should have a bit of a boost soon. Your acid ought to be kicking in
any minute now. In the meantime, imagine that you're playing a role.
If you're nervous, pretend you're not. Whatever you do, dont' listen
to any fucking Pink Floyd or you'll almost certainly have a bad time. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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I'll
bet your sorry now, aren't you? Now your life is practically finished.
having kids seemed like a great way to keep your miserable relationship
together. Too bad they'll soon be fatherless. You suck. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Expect
a lot of activity; that's for sure. Maybe you should get somebody
else involved with your project. Masturbation will only get you so
far and you're gong to get caught sooner or later if you keep trying
to wipe your bodilly fluids on people. God damnit, you are one sick
motherfucker. People like you should be locked up. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You're
in a good relationship, and it's getting better. Hahahah. Oh man.
I can't even say that and keep a straight face. I know at least 3
people that have fucked your partner this week alone. You are such
an idiot. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
could get friskier over the next few days. Whoohoo. Viagra! The miracles
of modern medice are amazing aren't they? Too bad you're too fugly
to get laid. Oh well. At least you can jerk off again. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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If
you keep doing that , it's going to freeze that way. For once, can
you please go out in public and not make a complete asshole out of
yourself? |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Keep
your eyes open for a good fixer-upper. This might not be easy, but
so what? You don't know what you're doing anyway. You'll fuck up whatever
it is. You're practically retarded. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
going to have to take care of business soon. If they don't pay you
what they owe you, you'll look like a real pussy if you don't stand
up for yourself. Light one of them on fire. That'll teach them not
to jerk you around. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Get
ready to wrap up a project you've worked on for a long time. Digging
a hole big enough for all those kids to fit in wasn't easy, was it?
Maybe you won't get so greedy next time. You know, it might be time
for you to seek some kind of professional help. |
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