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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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2
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3
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5
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11
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18
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21
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
will find yourself involved in a bout of road rage today. You will
have plenty of time to rise above it later on, when you're not busy
or something, but in the mean time, feel free to smash into that son
of a bitch. People think they can just walk across a cross walk when
YOU are driving down the road. Make that bastard pay - with both legs.
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Mercury
and Venus have bonded together to make your life a living hell. If
you could defend yourself against them, things might be different.
However, they are mighty planets and you are just a stupid human being.
You'll just have to tolerate whatever shit they dish out. The stars
guarantee it won't be pretty. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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While
Venus has been known to rub shoulders with Neptune from time to time,
you have been known to rub unspeakables with a fat, balding grocery
clerk. In most cases, that would be frowned upon, especially by the
planets, but in your case, it's okay, because you both know it is
the best you could ever hope to do. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Jupiter
is in your 3rd house. If it's bugging you, you should say so. Tell
that bastard to get out. Just because he's got a few more rings than
you doesn't make him shit. Let him know. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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There
is aggression and conflict in the air. Take it out on your spouse.
What has that bitch/bastard done for you lately? Not one damn thing.
As a matter of fact, all they do is complicate things and nag you
constantly. Nothing will teach them a lesson like a beer bottle to
the head. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Exotic
dancers are trying to give you advice. Don't take their advice. If
they knew what they were doing, they wouldn't be in that lousy dive
bar in the first place, advising you to give them money n exchange
for sex in the parking lot. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
spend too much time punishing yourself for being an idiot. You can't
help the way you are. You will do much better once you realize you
couldn't NOT be a stupid, bloated-faced idiot, even if you tried.
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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This
is the time for some reflection and self cleansing. Though it might
bother you to do it and it may be painful and painstaking, the surgeon
general says you should brush your teeth three times a day and I second
that motion. Your teeth look like you've been eating shit and nothing
else for the last six months |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Verbal
Mercury vacates your 7th house of partners today, and a trio of planets
in your 12th house of secrets obscures your view. Good luck figuring
that out, shithead. Don't take it out on the stars, you're the one
who reads this stupid crap. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
will be approached with a lucritive deal that will seem impossible
to refuse. Trust the stars; tell that red man with horns to go (back)
to hell. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Ego
issues arise for no reason at all. The little bit of ego you have
is based on a grade completion award you won for passing 3rd grade.
Too bad you can't go back to the good old days when you had no faith
in yourself and insisted on doing nothing, because everything you
ever do fails. At least then you could depend on the consistency of
your own failure. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
would make a great truck driver. Have you ever thought of that? Just
you and the open road? A CB and a handle like, 'Butchie Boy' or 'Gray
Ghost'? All that fresh parking lot prostitute tang.... That's something
to think about. |
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