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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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F
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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21
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_
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Don't
feel too bad about your bone cancer. Gemini has it too. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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The
moon says you are going to be shot... but don't worry! Things are
going to be OK! I mean, not for you obviously, but for everyone else. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Things
are unbalanced in your life. One of your breasts is noticeably larger
than the other. Luckily, your clubfoot evens things out and draws
attention away from your hideous flapjacks. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Your
instincts about others are right on. They're all against you. Teach
them a lesson they won't forget ...with fire! |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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Dear
you. Why are you back here again? Didn't we answer your questions
yesterday? Do you really need us to tell you that your spouse is cheating
on you? There, we said it! Happy now? Love, your stars. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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This
month heralds a big breakthrough in an intimate relationship, a cure
for your impotence. You will discover that you can make a splint for
your penis with a Popsicle stick and some electrical tape. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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This
month you will get splinters in your rectum from a Popsicle stick.
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Jupiter
brings good news! You will make a new friend who will invite you into
his home. Not only will you find $4 in his wallet, but everyone will
think he committed suicide. Everyone except for Angela Lansbury, that
is. Our advice is to take that nosy bitch out, and fast! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
parents are coming over for dinner, but your place is a mess. What
the fuck were you thinking, inviting them over here? You've got semen
stained carpets and no furniture except for a dirty, sheetless mattress
in the middle of the living room. There are people upstairs smoking
crack and shooting up! You're such an idiot! Just assure them that
everything is fine and you are too busy to get together right now.
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
know that song you love so much? Winter, Spring Summer and Fall? ...And
he'll be there? Yes he will. You've got a friend? Well, you don't
have any right to listen to that song, because you don't have any
friends. Anyway, that song was actually about heroin. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Saturn
has three words for you: spontaneous human combustion. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Listen,
the stars hate to be the ones to tell you this, but you are a little
bit too fat to wear those pants. You've tried every diet and none
have worked, so now might be the perfect time to try a new method.
Refer to this
for more information. |
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