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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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The
12th house is your favorite house. There are always tons of Johns
hanging around there, and all the heroin you can eat, smell, and shoot.
In addition, the house's pimp is not so likely to beat you with a
coat-hanger when you're bad. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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The
sun is in the 3rd house. This might be good for you, except that the
third house is your house, and the 'sun' is an out of control grease
fire on the stove. You should probably run for your life. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Your
sign is supposed to be generous and loving. So why do you force your
spouses head down in public places like that? The stars would like
you to know that love is not begging your lover to let you 'put it
in their butt.' |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Venus
is in retrograde. You, on the other hand, have never been anywhere.
You don't even like to go to the toilet, if you can fit your leavin's
in one of the empty potato chip bags that surround you. Get your fat
ass up off the couch and take a walk around the block. Then clean
up the dog crap that's all over your floor. That's unsanitary. You're
unsanitary. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
are feeling pretty bummed out because, as you look back on your life,
you realize all the things you ever tried to do just failed horribly
and made you look like an incredible idiot. It will make you feel
better if you blame all your shortcomings on someone like your father.
He was never there. He was off being gay somewhere. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Your
father left when you were young, just like Scorpio and Libra's dads.
The difference between them and you is that it WAS your fault that
YOUR dad left. You were a bad, bad child. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Career
day is coming up. You know, we said a while ago that career day would
be the 5th. That gives you just enough time to get yourself together.
Of course, no one is going to hire you. You're a disgusting mess with
a low IQ and a host of mental, physical and emotional issues that
make you basically worthless. Don't feel bad. Sagittarius is worthless,
too. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
are a water sign. This means you are supposed to love water sports,
playing in water, swimming, water ballet, etc. etc. etc.. Don't be
afraid of the shower. The water will wash all the dirt and grime off
of your smelly body. The soap will make fun suds for you to enjoy.
Give it a try. You might even start a new daily routine. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Being
a lifeguard at the town pool is the best you can ever hope to accomplish.
You can only work there for so long; while you are young and have
all your teeth. Once you hit 30, you will have to go, or else all
the kids will be scared of you and the parents will assume you are
some kind of pervert. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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There
will be a lunie eclipse on the 11th when you and your mother get together
for lunch. With two sets of crazy unmanaged hair and lipstick placed
everywhere but on the lips, the two of you will be a blinding spectacle
for all to see. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Today
will be a day of reconcile with someone you love. Well, you will try
to reconcile but she will say, "No fucking way, jackass." Maybe you
should change your 'reconcile' plans to keep from having to deal with
that. The stars would say you deserve it, because you do, you creep,
but we are supposed to be uplifting and encouraging. Hey, we try.
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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The
moon is in Iran. So don't plan on looking to it for advice unless,
you too are in Iran. If you are in Iran, run and hide - especially
if you are an American. And look to the moon for advice. |
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