| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
July
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
13
|
|
|
|
|
|
18
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
_
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
You
have been a very naughty spouse. If you ask your lover nicely, they
might take you back, but probably not, because their horoscope reads:
Toss your worthless lover's ass out on the street. That would be you,
scumbag. |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
You
may live in the ghetto, but look at it this way: so do all your friends.
You have no reason to leave. You'll probably stay there forever. Look
on the bright side though: your friends will be there, and some friendly
stray dogs, too. |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
When
hiring hookers for your escort service, be aware that fat applicants
typically use the terms great personality, full figured
or pretty face to describe themselves. Don't be fooled by the
sweet phone voice. Oh, and when they say they are 25, that means they
are 35. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
You
are contemplating getting yet another tattoo. Tattoos are your own
personal way of saying "I may be ugly, but please look at me anyway."
It is good that you have found a way to express yourself. The stars
also see a nose ring in your future. |
|
|
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
You
shouldn't feel badly about having one eye. So, you look semi-hideous,
every cloud has its' silver lining. For instance, you have a perfect
place to store your crack. What kind of mean spirited cop is ever
going to check under that patch? Only an evil cop with something to
prove would look there. |
|
|
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
Your
gambling habit has gotten you and your family into a ridiculous amount
of debt. You should sell your parents house while they are on vacation
to make some cash, then with that money, you can try to make up for
all the mistakes you've made. You can buy them a bigger, better house
with your winnings. It's a fail proof plan. Boy, will they be surprised
and delighted! |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
The
gravitational pull of the moon on your sign is making you tense and
irritable. You should go down to that top of the line massage parlor
you pass every day on your way to work. There, you can get an expensive,
high quality, tension-easing massage from a trained Bangkok whore.
Don't be scared, she's a professional. |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
You
feel that you've disappointed your mother with your bad behavior over
the years. That isn't entirely true. It would be more accurate to
say that you have devastated your poor mother. You basically ruined
her life. Way to go, crap for brains. |
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
Sagittariuses
are known for their way with children, their manipulative skills,
and their interest in 'Swank' magazine. That's right. Sagittarius
is a dirty filthy pervert. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
You
are getting older, but old age is nothing to fear. You should be more
afraid of old people. Old people are typically armed with such weapons
as fruit and romance novels, and should be considered extremely dangerous.
|
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
There
is romance in your life, but as usual, not for long. You are too overbearing,
and in addition, the whole 'tucking your penis between your legs'
thing only works until you take your pants off. Then they know you
aren't a girl for real. |
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
You
need some insight into problems that are affecting your everyday life.
The stars suggest you go to see a psychic. They will show you the
'light' by making your wallet light. |
|
|
|
