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July
2000
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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If
the stars represent eternal light through out the universe, and the
planets represent heavenly bodies of hope, then where does placing
a paper towel holder in your ass and scaring a gerbil into your bunghole
with a lighter fit into the grand scheme of things? Quit it. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
should try to wear bright colors, like vibrant greens and day glow
pinks. You just wear the same dark suit, every day, day in and day
out. It may seem 'appropriate' attire, being an undertaker and all,
but it just makes you look so boring and corporate, like you have
no sense of humor! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
seem to be having troubles at home. Maybe you should run away. No
one likes you around. Don't worry about 13 being too young to be on
your own. Between prostitution and selling drugs, you'll find a way
to make ends meet. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Mercury
is in the ghetto, hiding behind a burned car. Remember those days,
before the gang initiation? When you could run and hide? Being legless
isn't as bad as it seems. It isn't as bad, as say...being legless
and armless. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
have too much free time on your hands. Perhaps now is a good time
to consider starting a new hobby. Why not try, 'chillin' with some
bitchez' or collecting stamps? Either would be fun and educational.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
are an air sign with a multitude of air abilities. You can breathe
air, you can exhale air. You are an airhead. You even call it fancy
names sometimes, like 'oxygen'. It is a little known secret that air
sign creatures are lighter than air, giving them the ability to 'fly'.
You should try it sometime. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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What
would you do if one hand was made of jelly and the other was made
of peanut butter? Would you clap your hands? Would you eat your hands
if you got hungry? Hey - it's something to think about, pal. Anything
can happen in life. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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When
I was just a Madame in training, I used to 'make up' horoscopes, sometimes,
because I didn't know all the answers. Now that I am an old wise Madame
who knows all the answers, I still make up the horoscopes. Who has
time to talk to the stars every day? Oh, yeah, your horoscope: Something
involving beef will happen to you today. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Why
are you feeling low right now? Things couldn't be better. You are
about to have a baby, you are about to get married, and you are about
to be on TV. Incest is frowned upon in most parts of the country,
but you're in West Virginia. Things are just as they should be. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
happen to be a little bit taller than most people, and to be quite
honest, that makes you look scary. You can remedy this problem by
cutting off your legs at the knee. It might seem senseless now, but
you will be a local celebrity when the townspeople begin to fondly
refer to you as 'old stumpy'. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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There
is no need to feel bad about hair loss, though almost no one experiences
male pattern balding 'down there'. In some rare instances, due to
various sexually transmitted diseases, it can happen. You can shave
it off, and no one will ever know. They will just think you are kinky.
Honestly, no one but you will probably see that area of your body
anyway for the next few years anyway; so what does it really matter?
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
are a creative person whose traits mimic those of the likes of Socrates,
Michelangelo, Freddy Mercury, Liberachi, Versacci. See where this
is going? |
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