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January
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July
2000
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
trying to figure out how to do more than is humanly possible. The
best way to do this is by taking performance-enhancing drugs. The
best kind are the ones they give to cattle and racehorses. Take a
lot; you've got a big day ahead of you. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. Venus has come into
your sign, so you're getting luckier. Now is the time to sell all
of your possessions, borrow as much money as you can from friends
and relatives, and bet it all on at the track. Don't fucking act like
you don't know what I'm talking about. You're getting LUCKIER. Asswipe.
Do it now! |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You're practical, hardworking
and cute. You should make enough to take your sweetheart out to your
favorite restaurant, too. You may want to take her to a less expensive
one though, and save that money for date-rape drugs. Dinner is sort
of risky, but rufies are a sure fire way to get laid. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You may be confronted
by something you'd rather avoid. Might? Shit, you have a laundry list
of things you'd rather avoid. You're drinking problem, your homosexuality,
your propensity for violence, your sexually transmitted diseases.
take your pick. You're a mess. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You might be able to
get away for a little while. You have lots of things nearby that require
your attention, however. Try that trick that Clint Eastwood did in
that movie where they escaped from Alcatraz by using dummy heads carved
from wood and hair from the prison barbershop. Your wife will never
know the difference. Maybe then you can finally get some fucking peace
and quiet. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You may be tired of
hearing about money by now. You've been working hard and haven't seen
much come in. In all honesty, that's really your own fault. $4.29?
What kind of shit is that? You can get 20 or 30 dollars at least for
a handjob and even more for straight sex. Christ, at least charge
in even numbers you stupid whore. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. Don't spend all day
resting on your past accomplishments. Sure, you were pretty successful
with the clown suit and the bag of candy, but kids these days are
getting smarter. You're going to have to resort to the ether this
time. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Does
somebody need a pat on the back for a job well done? Well they won't
be getting it from you, will they? You arrogant piece of shit. The
last thing you'll ever do is show someone some appreciation. You're
a fucking dick! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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The
Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Capricorn. You could be in a partying
mood. You may have more invitations than you can accept. Bah Haaahh
hah. Man, that's funny. More than you can accept. Nobody likes you.
Who are you trying to fool? |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
could experience some turbulence today. If you can find the silver
lining in this cloud, you'll sure help matters. Of course, you could
experience some turbulence, and then proceed to plummet to the earth
like a rock, or crash into the side of a mountain. It's really about
a 50-50 chance today. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You
may be in the mood to take off for distant places. Getting away isn't
easy, but you can make plans. As you go along, the tangle of details
will clear up. The statute of limitations on sodomy is only 5 years
in your state. A lot of times, sodomy charges are dropped if their
not brought to trial in 2 years. However, the fact that you sodomized
a nun might call for an exception in your case. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Wise
shopping is the objective, and spending somebody else's money rather
than your own would be smart, too. Convince them it's a good deal
for them, and you've got it. How are you supposed to convince someone
to let you spend his or her money? Fuck that. What you need is a gun
and a mask. That's it. It's not brain surgery you're performing here.
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