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January
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July
2000
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13
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18
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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At
first, this could look like a setback. Your first plan of action will
most likely fail. Lots of famous people have gone through this, and
with a little determination they've achieved great things. Of course,
this will never happen to you. You're efforts are all futile, and
will only sink you deeper into dept, depression and alcoholism. Sorry. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
know that sneaking suspicion you've had for some time now? Well, it's
true, and today is the day you'll find out why. Be careful around
your friends. If you can, try to record everything they say to you
today. You'll need it later. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
may be feeling lonely today. You may feel like you have nothing to
turn to and that suicide is your only way out. Well, for once in your
life, you're absolutely right. Just do it. Everyone is sick of seeing
you mope around all the time anyway. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You've
got to find a compromise that works for everybody. You can do it if
you're flexible. You're not always going to get to be the pitcher
and you're just going to have to learn how to catch sometimes and
'take it like a man'. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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No
matter how much you might like to be out running around and having
a good time, duty will be calling today. Wait, not duty, doodie. You'll
shit your pants today in font of a lot of people. Better stay home. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Somebody
you care about would like your full attention. Unfortunately, that
may not be possible. You have a hard time paying attention and are
easily distracted. Your mother used to drink a lot when she was pregnant
with you. It's her fault. You should punch her in her stupid face. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
and your partner might have trouble communicating today. That's because
he/she is dead. You'll get a call in a few hours. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Life
is a never ending circle. It seems like just yesterday, you were running
around the schoolyard, as the other children chanted, 'Pisces has
lisces!' And today, thirty years and 30,000 little bug generations
later, you still have them. It's like a magical circle of life, you
and those bugs. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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The
Sun is in Leo and the Moon is in Taurus. You and somebody you love
could have a conflict. It's about money. It's about the money he still
owes you for your abortion, you baby killer. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
the one with common sense. Amazingly, you're still fat, drunk and
stupid. Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life? Anyway,
as usual, someone will have to point out the obvious to you today. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
want to do something, but you don't know how. What a fucking surprise.
Maybe instead of smoking yourself stupid for the last 20 years, you
should have gone to college. Can you even read? You suck. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Something
you and your friends want to do is simply out of the question. It
costs too much, it's dangerous, and if you get caught, you'll be put
away for life. Do you have any idea what would happen to someone like
you in prison? Dumbass. |
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