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January
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July
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Aries
is a special little creature; full of expectations and constantly
let down by strange men. Everyone is not out to rape and disappoint
you, furry Aries. Look for a man with a J in his name. He will show
you the way to his penis. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Taurus,
you show tender loving care to everyone, even complete strangers.
You have what they call, 'magical fingers' which makes you simultaneously
dangerous and wealthy. When in a bind, call on your friend the Pisces
who they call, 'magical anus.' |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
have always had a special talent for 'coloring.' You own over eleven
hundred crayons, some broken and others worn down to waxen thimbles.
Today, while engaged in your 'color by number' project, you will discover
a hidden surprise. It is to be interpreted as a message from the lord.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Some
say, "You catch more flies with honey," but this is a misnomer. Flies
naturally swarm around you. It must be the animal lover in you. Your
inner animal has a secret to tell you, but it has to be able to trust
you first. Bribe it with a hot beef injection. Other Madams might
have just said, "Go fuck yourself" but Madame Borkofski is more colorful
than that. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Your
dreams tell you a lot about yourself. You should try to not put faith
into your dreams, because they are made of lies and fears. They are
made of expectations and unfulfilled desires. They are inspired by
the devil's penis and his dirty plans for your soul. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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When
you were younger, you were a much kinder person. You had a sweet face
and positive intentions. You can still change. Just decide what you
want to get out of life and find a way to swindle it. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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When
you are outside, you can feel the sun's energy filling your heart
with joy. Don't seek the sun's evil rays of death. The sun is not
your friend. It shines in your eyes with the intention of burning
out your retinas, and it pegs your skin with invisible sun bullets
with the desire to fry you to bits. It won't stop, ever. No matter
where you go, the sun is right behind you. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You
need to find other ways to deal with your problems. The way your animal
alter ego would handle the situation should not necessarily be your
way. For example, if you feel intimidated, you don't have to shoot
fire out of your butt. When you are hungry, you don't have to whack
something smaller and sting their eyeballs for three days. Scorpio,
Scorpio! When will you quit living la vida loca? |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Hi.
How are you doing? Oh, wait. I know. You are feeling content. Well,
that is just great news. Your life is going well. You have no idea
what it is like to have to be in my shoes, with a life that sucks!
Bitch! |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
are under a lot of stress. Have you ever tried, 'spanking the monkey?'
It can be very beneficial and extremely calming. If you don't have
a monkey, try spanking someone else's. If no one you know has a monkey,
try jerking off. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
feel miffed due to the way a co-worker is treating you. However, you
are a professional. There is no time for silly water cooler mind games.
You won't get any satisfaction without violence. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Exploring
your sexual side should answer some questions you have about yourself.
But in the mean time the stars will try to help; Yes, you are a dirty
whore. |
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